I'm Okay! I'm OoooKay!

Hey, just wanted to give an update.

My friend and I have been going to our highschool's FCA group every other Wednesday for quite some time now. You have to know the story behind that. When we were in highschool (yay for class of 2005), I was president of FCA and she helped out a lot. I am not nor proclaim to be anything close to an athlete. I played defense for a 1st year JV, co-ed soccer team when I was in the 7th grade, I watch hockey, and love watching the Olympics- and that's about it. She, and her 5 foot 2 inch self, claims that she can do marvels with an orange ball, a hoop and net, and some tennis shoes. I have yet to believe her, by the way. However, we both loved (and love) Jesus. We were crazy! FCA only met on Wednesdays, so we also held a morning devotional group. We started meeting together daily in middle school, and wrote letters back and forth that we were going to take our campus for Christ! It was the epitome of new Christian cheese (although I make fun of it, I almost wish that passion people have in their beginnings stays with them always). I went around lunch tables carolling to people at Christmas time. She went around looking at people and saying, "Maranatha! Our Lord is coming!" We were fruits. We made banners for the Golf team from FCA to let those lesser known sports teams know that someone out there cares. We had contests on St. Patrick's day to get people to guess the legend of the shamrock. We put valentine messages from Jesus in the school newsletter, letting people know that Jesus loved them more than they ever knew. We saw FCA go from 4 people to 30 people in one semester. We did skits, we used costumes, we sang songs, and we played games. We dreamed about revival in our school. We just knew that the Spirit of God would fall on our high school so greatly that we wouldn't have classes because people would be too busy praying for repentance (I joke you not...I believe we both had dreams about this). We prayed outside around the flag pole on See You at the Pole event days, National Day of Prayer days, and just whenever we felt like it! We were crazy for Jesus!

Unfortunately, both of us fell away from that. Now, almost four years out of highschool, we have come back to Jesus. Yet, we just knew that our high school was suffering because, after all, who else could do what we could? (HOW CONCEITED!)

Going back to FCA has been a very humbling and exciting experience for both of us. To know that God has been and was moving without you can be humbling. Yet, it is so neat to go back and see a passion for Jesus alive and well in the hearts of many teenagers in that school! It is incredible! I think their passion burns even brighter than ours! It is so neat to watch these teens grow in the Lord and be that burning light to the world that every youth pastor wants to see in his youth group.

This morning, though, was different. I've been before. I've seen them sing their songs. I've seen them do their devotionals. The devotion this morning wasn't a spectacular display of effective communication. It was simple. A young athlete got up and drew a diagram, explaining John 3:16 and how Jesus is the only way to heaven. His country accent was darling! However, afterwards, I stopped and talked to a girl who told me about some things going on in her life: her church is praying nightly for revival in our town, she and different friends have started lunch devotionals at their lunch tables in the different lunch times, etc. I saw something in her, though, that I recognized. There was joy. She had something that I've been looking for- joy.

So, I stopped and could feel myself refocusing. I had done it again. Instead of just enjoying God and rejoicing in Him (re-JOY-cing), I was thinking about myself, my failures, my inadequacies. So, I say all that to say, I feel like I've refocused. Today, I had some errands to do at the mall and preparing for my biological mother's birthday party Saturday. Yet, I felt like I carried a little more happiness with me than before. It's a small step, but I'll take it. When the time comes to deal with issues, I'll deal with them. But for right now, I'm rejoicing that I'm on Spring Break, I know Jesus, and I am alive and well- that should be good enough to be joyful over.

Thanks for all the prayers,
ME!

Please Pray For Me

I know some people out in the world wide web, so I wanted to ask you something.

Something happened Sunday. I don't really know what it was. I woke up that morning, and it was like everything I had fought so hard to overcome, everything I had grappled with was overtaking me and pulling me down. Things just seemed to escalate until Sunday evening, I was literally laying on my couch, looking through the Bible, tears in my eyes, asking God to please give me some answer to the problem in me. I just felt like if I can't overcome anger, then I couldn't walk out this life with God. And if I couldn't walk with God, there really wasn't a whole lot of point in anything. I was ready to give up on my Happy Fast.

To be honest with anyone who's out there reading, I haven't truly found an answer. As a matter of fact, my church wanted to know if there was anyone in our small group that was dealing with anger that could maybe give a testimony. I was suggested. I turned it down. I felt like such a failure. How could I give anyone a testimony about dealing with anger? In order to have a testimony, I felt like you needed to come through something, and I haven't yet! Part of me thinks that it would almost be better to get up and there and share with people how hard I'm struggling with this thing. A lot of people are struggling with stuff! Not everyone is able to give a testimony about their lives! We're still in the middle of hardships. Maybe it would help someone to know that they weren't the only ones in the world who felt like such a failure. I know yesterday, I did.

Today, I don't feel like as much of a failure as I did yesterday, but to be honest, I am a bit discouraged. I know that I can't quit my happy fast because I know God wants to bring me through this thing. I know that it wouldn't be called a fast if it was easy. I know all these things, but I'm asking anyone out there to pray for me. I definitely need it.

The Bible says that the JOY of the LORD is our STRENGTH. Well, I feel like I don't have any joy to use as strength. I know I'm supposed to draw on the joy of the LORD, but what does that mean in practical, every day application?

If anyone has any great words of wisdom or encouragement, leave me a comment or shoot me an email.