From Jacob to Jesus Part V (LAST ONE!)

How many times have I heard these same thoughts? I have often felt a connection with such betrayers. Jacob was known as a deceiver. Sometimes I felt like I put even him to shame. Jacob knew what he did was wrong. Jacob hurt his brother. He took life into his own hands instead of trusting that God had things in control. Worst of all, he ran. I’ve been that coward before. I wouldn’t answer phone calls. I wouldn’t talk. I knew how to shut down and shut out. Jacob did, too.
Joseph’s brothers knew how it felt to carry this torture on the inside. They knew what it was like to hold a secret in their hearts for years. They know what it was like to watch someone hurt because of an act they committed. Yet, they knew that person would hurt even more if they only knew the truth about it. I’ve felt those same feelings. I’ve carried secrets in my heart, and I know what it’s like to watch those around you cry in pain. I know what it’s like to watch them grieve. I know the look of hurt eyes. Like David, I know what it’s like to hurt someone for your own selfish pleasures. I’ve been in that same spot. I even know what it’s like for things to get out of control and get caught in the middle of lies that have tied you and tormented you for quite some time. I know how it feels for someone to confront you with what you thought was a secret. I know the questions that go on in your mind. I know the shame that comes with all of these. It’s hard looking at yourself for who you really are. It’s hard to realize how horrible and hard your heart is. It’s hard to get so tired of holding up a front, a mask. It’s harder, though, to give into the weakness of not holding that front up.
For many years, my anger and frustration came from secret lies I had on the inside. I held secrets that I knew if they ever got out, those closest to me would be hurt so terribly. I had these same thoughts. Why would God be merciful to someone like me?

“And when they had come to the place called Calvary, there they crucified Him, and the criminals, one on the right hand and the other on the left. Then Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do.”
Luke 23:33-34

And yet, every time I read this part of the Bible, that rock in my throat turns into tears. I can hear Jesus wrapping His arms around my dirty self. I can feel something wet dripping over my sins. I realize that his blood is washing it away. I look into His eyes and see warmth that I haven’t seen in years. I hear his soothing voice, and those tormenting secrets and that paralyzing shame shut up. Through this beautiful picture of forgiveness, I hear the Lord telling me that He has put away my sin, and that I will not die. Instead, He gives only life.

And after all that, how could I get angry or frustrated with people for stuff as silly as cutting in front of me on the road, saying something that I took as offensive, doing things that I think aren’t right for them? How could I?

Oh God, help me move from knowing what it’s like to be Jacob or Joseph’s brothers or David. Help me be like Jesus. This is my prayer during this time.