Forgiveness

What is the basis of Christianity? Ask people that question and you'll get a bunch of different answers. I have my own personal answer : forgiveness.

I've been reading through the Bible in a year with You Version or whatever the App is on my ipod touch. To be honest with you, I'm a little behind. I'm not fretting, though. I'll catch up or just not worry about it. So what if I read the Bible in a year and 3 days? Who made those rules up anyway?

I read over a story, though, very quickly that I couldn't get away from. It's the story of two brothers: Esau, a hairy older brother who sold his whole birthright for a measly pot of stew and then got angry because he was "cheated" out of his birthright, and Jacob, a liar and trickster who swindled anyone he could come in contact with until he eventually became the victim of someone else's swindling. These brothers had a hate-hate relationship. Esau vowed that after the death of his father he would kill Jacob. Jacob ran away to his Uncle and vowed not to return. This is where God comes in. God tells Jacob, after much (literally) wrestling, to return to his homeland. Knowing that Esau is waiting with baited breath, Jacob devises a plan. He's going to bribe his elder brother with gifts, put others between them, and hide in the background, just in case he's still hot about the whole stealing his birthright and his blessing thing.

Well, as you can see with the picture above, their meeting was a little different than Jacob imagined. I can just see the terror in his eyes as they met the love in Esau's. What a moment! Hugs and affection and reconciliation. It really is beautiful.

I was kind of thinking this through, and I just really had a frying pan moment with God. You know, one of those moments where God subtly speaks to you, you have this thought, and it's like DUH! (like somebody hit you with a frying pan). Forgiveness is like the whole basis of Christianity.

So, here's my thinking. God forgives us. He forgives us of all of our sins - our bad things. When we walk in his forgiveness, we are walking in the power of overcoming all the bad habits and sins that we struggle with. But His forgiveness is two-fold. He forgives us and we must forgive others. You can't have one without the other. When we don't forgive others, we can't walk in the freedom from sin. We continue to struggle with those sins. But when we walk, forgiven by Him, and forgiving others, this beautiful freedom comes where we are walking in the power of His freedom from sin and giving it and showing it to others. It really is a beautiful picture.

I know that seems kind of elementary in Christianity. It was just one of those moments where what has been in my head as knowledge for so long sunk into my heart as revelation.

My prayer now is "God, I want to forgive others, so you can forgive me. I want to be free by freeing others." And the amazing thing is, He does.

Loving this life in Him!
~ Sam

Suffering?

"Dear God, how could they hurt me?" "Dear God, how could they do this to me?" "Dear God, I am so ____(fill in the blank)___!" "Dear God, why won't you ___(fill in the blank)___?"

Ever had those thoughts? Nah, me either. Ha! Yeah right! Maybe the real answer should be, has anyone not had those thoughts? Suffering is a big part of life. Unfortunately, suffering happens: people hurt us, the devil steals things/people away from us, the economy goes bad, oil spills in the Gulf Coast, fingernails break, and someone steals your bike. These things happen! Don't they stink? Gosh, I hate when stuff happens to me. I hate being hurt and vulnerable. Yet, I seem to hold on to the suffering. I might beat myself up. I might stay mad at someone forever (and you haven't seen that until you know me and how long I can hold a grudge - it's ridiculous!).

I read about suffering this morning. It's in a part of scripture that I just can't seem to get away from - James 5:13-20. James 5:13 says, "Is anyone among you suffering, let him pray."

It is such a simple verse. Yet, upon doing a Greek word study of the verse, I saw things in a new light. The word suffering, akin to afflicted, means afflicted. Isn't that surprising? Haha! It actually hints at some sort of enemy or opponent. Then there is the word, pray. What is so interesting about this Greek word is that it is composed of a word just meaning to talk to God and another root word that is directional; and not just directional, but a directional meant for a change.

Why is that so important? What do you do when you are suffering? I usually sit in my pity party or squander in misery in a circle of questions and tears. That's not hte answer, though. The answer is to turn towards God, direct your suffering towards Him, releasing your hold on it, and looking for a change.

That's really small, but it helps me move on to the next part of the verse about being cheerful & singing! God cares for the small things - when you are suffering, talk to Him, give Him your suffering and expect things to change. That's what the verse is there for.

He Knows Me

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you" (Jeremiah 1:5a NKJV).

Have you ever met a celebrity? I'm not talking about a local weather man (although in the town I live in, the local weather man's social standing is equal to that of any celebrity you may see on People Magazine or interviewing on Oprah) or a local small-town athlete. I am talking about a real celebrity. You know, someone whose in multiple movies, who owns a multi-million dollar home, and who gets into and miraculously gets out of scandalous occurrences only enjoyable to the rich and famous! Have you ever met one? No, I haven't either.

The closest I ever got was in Walt Disney World. I saw a man coming out of the Crystal Palace restaurant who looked rather familiar. I soon recognized him to be Brad Garrett. You know, the big kind of dead-pan guy from "Everybody Loves Raymond." Well, to be honest, I was too scared to go talk to him. Now, he isn't like my favorite celebrity or anything. He's just someone that I know has been in movies. My best friend's mom finally decided to speak up, and so we met him and shared a few jokes. So, Brad Garrett met Samantha. Amazing, right? Wrong. At no time after our meeting did he ever go around and say, "Hey, I know Samantha." Yeah, I can say that I met him, but can I say that we know each other? No, I really can't.

I am obviously no celebrity. I have never been in any movie besides the ones made at home, I don't even own a $2 home, and my idea of a scandal is getting caught driving with my knees instead of my hands. I do know Someone who is "kind of a big deal," though. You know the amazing thing. He would say that He knows me, too. Want to be even more amazed? He knew me before we even met? Isn't it funny that although I can meet a semi-celebrity, I wouldn't say that I knew him, yet, God knew and knows me even before we met?

God formed me. Those three words blow my mind. They render me speechless. What makes it even better is that God formed me and knew me. He knew before I was even born all my little quirks and faults and oddities. Yet, He still formed me. That is the basis of all that my life is. I am just a woman who is walking this life out with the realization that God formed me for a purpose and that I get to live that purpose out, knowing Him. I pray that my journey thus far can point you into the place where you know God. Like I said before, "He's kind of a big deal."

Sam

Unspoken

There I stood. I was at an event where hundreds of people were hearing the gospel, maybe for the first time. They had just seen some graphic events as a set up to let them see consequences of bad decisions. They were supposed to write a prayer request down on this post it note and stick it to the cross.

It was such a Christian thing to do. I've seen it done so many times. For some reason, I just thought I would read over these requests. They were so typical.

"Pray for my dad to be closer to us." "Pray for my mom to get a job." "Pray for my friends not to make dumb decisions." "Pray for me to get good grades." "Pray for my parents who are getting a divorce." "Pray for my brother who is in jail."

Why I chose to read over these "requests" was beyond me. And then I crossed over one particular sticky note. Simple handwriting. One word. A word scrabbled on a piece of paper.

Unspoken.

My heart broke. I couldn't hold back the tears. All of a sudden, something hit me. How many requests are there like this one? Unspoken. My brain flashed back to me being a little girl in a small Pentecostal Holiness church. We would tell everyone our prayer requests, but if you had one that you didn't want people to really know about, you would wait until the pastor asked for any "unspoken" requests. Then you would raise your hand, still remain safe, and move on. Why was it such a secret? I never knew.

Standing there in front of that one word, it became bigger and bigger. How many people do I pass every day that have unspoken requests? Are they too ashamed to say what it is? Are they too embarrassed? Or maybe it isn't even that. Maybe it's just that no one has even stopped to take the time for them to speak it out. Our world is hurting. That is so apparent. Our Christian family is hurting. We can't even take care of others because we are so unhealthy ourselves. Yet, we go on, move about our business, and keep going. We don't even stop to find out the "unspoken."

My heart broke that night for so many people who are hurting inside for themselves, for others, for circumstances, whatever. I can't say it I've made any life changes because of it. I do know this. I want to be more open to God's sweet voice telling me to stop, take a minute and listen, and find out what is behind the unspoken.

Sam

Stumble

It's so funny how God talks to us in little moments, especially when those little moments come from little people: children. I had a random encounter with a two year old last night that looked at me and asked me if I would stumble with her. I've not heard many two years old say the word stumble, let alone ask if I wanted to stumble with them. Being the playful auntie that I am, I agreed.

It was this weird almost out of body experience thing that happened as I watched what came next. We both stumbled to the ground. She grabbed my hand, we "helped" each other up, and then she laughed and took off running again.

And then it hit me. So many times, we can feel like a failure. We try our hardest to walk out this life with Christ. We do all the Christian things, say all the right words, and still it isn't good enough. In one area of our life, we find ourselves stumbling. What do we do in that moment?

I personally like to throw an epic pity party. I like to try to convince God and others that I am a loser. Really, it's all very prideful. I want others to say I am good, so I pretend that I feel like I am bad. Sometimes we honestly do feel we aren't good enough.

The thing is, though, God is there all the time. He's there to help us up, and start running again. He's there the whole time. He doesn't cause us to stumble, but when we do stumble, He is right there with us. He knows that if we can just get back up and start running, we can be laughing again.

This truth rang home with me last night. It was one of those moments where I knew there was something more going on than what was actually happening. God was showing me that, even when I stumble, He's right there, waiting to help me up, and start running again.

Amazing..

I Know My Calculus

So, today, I am subbing for a smart people school! Haha! I am subbing for a High School program that meets on a college campus. The kids even take some college courses. Well, they asked me to come and sub for the AP Calculus and AP Statistics class. In other words, they needed a babysitter. And you know how I love to babysit.

I seriously feel like I'm in a different country. The language is fascinating. These kids know exactly what they are talking about, they know the thinking process, and so forth! My mind is blown! On one hand, it reminds me that as Christians we kind of have our world. We have our church friends. We have our "Text Book" (thank God it is written in a much more personal manner). We have our "Christianese." Yet, I wish we knew our world as much as these kids know their Calculus. I've really been looking at that lately. The way these students study for Calculus, is it more than how I study my God? Of course they are going to get a test, but my tests are much more imperative! How will I fair?

On the other hand, I feel like such an outsider. As a Christian, I don't want people to feel like that from me. I want the God of love to speak through my life. He is always relative. He is always the common language. He is always cross-cultural.

I didn't mean to blog about that, though. I was blogging because, like most people, I hate waiting. I have put in an application for the local University, and I am waiting to hear from them. The decision should be made by the end of next week, but I hate waiting. I'm ready to get in and start! Oh, that I would have patience.

Ending with a song from an old spoof boy band. "I Know My Calculus - it says You + Me = US!"

Detour

A Whole New World. I should be singing that song. God has really blown my mind in the past couple of weeks. You see, I graduated from college in December. I planned NOT to teach. I planned to sub until something more appealing came available. Boy, how He messes up our plans. I started teaching at a homeschool co-op organization that meets once a week. I was planning, grading, and doing all the other teacher stuff! I decided that I would do that along with subbing and just keep doing that right on.

Then one night I got a call from the principal of the school I did my internship in with a desperate plea to sub for a teacher who lost her daughter right before Christmas. It was a 3 week job, and I would have to figure out something for the co-op. I prayed about it, and it only felt right.

As I am subbing in this first grade class, I feel overwhelmed. I feel like I am in a whole new world! Surprisingly, though, it is sooo much fun! I can't believe it! Despite the body juices, tying shoes, crying, and holding hands, we are having a good time! I have learned to be firm and gentle at the same time. It is so amazing!

I do not know what lies ahead for me. I am almost scared to make plans if God is just going to change them! I should trust Him, though. He has never led me astray, and I know He never will.

Dead Tree in Winter

I have tried very hard in this blog to express something that was birthed in me today. Sometimes my communication skills seem to be inadequate for the thoughts that go on in my head. I pray that this blog entry makes sense and expresses my desire to enjoy God and know that He is passionate about me and you.

In his book, Practicing the Presence of God, Brother Lawrence writes about an experience in his life. He says that one day God spoke to him or revealed something to him through a dead tree in winter. That point completely changed Brother Lawrence's view on everything. From that moment on, he was determined to serve God. He also writes that it changed his spiritual life so much that he was never able to determine whether or not he was growing spiritually. His passionate love for Christ was so great from the beginning that his quest to grow seemed too hard to distinguish.
I read his account. I've even tried to stare at a dead tree in winter. I've asked God to reveal the same thing to me that He showed Brother Lawrence. Still, I am unable to get it.

Today, I was riding home from a very frustrating class. Well, on the way home, I was just thinking about things and listening to the radio. Then it happened. Out of nowhere, I saw something that I knew was more than just one of those run-of-the-mill occurrences. I watched as a bus let a little elementary school girl off at her stop. She carefully crossed the road, making sure to look both ways before she crossed. She was in no hurry. I looked down the road, and I saw a woman (I'm assuming the little girl's mother) walking towards the bus stop with a dog. When those two saw each other- when their eyes met, I saw both of them pick up their pace. They actually opened both arms as wide as they possibly could and ran for each other. When they got to each other, the mother picked up the child, embraced her, swung her around, and had nothing but joy in her face. The two of them then walked down the road, hand in hand, as I drove by. I was brought to tears, and I wasn't sure why.

I couldn't get my mind off of these two points today. I had a lot of incredible things happen to me today. Yet, I couldn't stop thinking about Brother Lawrence, his dead tree in winter, and that mother and little girl. Somehow, I knew that the quiet little whisper inside was trying to say something.

I've been looking at this "Happy Fast" as a time where I really have to focus on giving up frustration and anger. I've been working really hard to think about every decision I make, every choice I make, every action that I am responsible for. But somehow, I couldn't help today wondering if I had it all wrong.

You know, when Brother Lawrence got that great revelation from that simple picture of the dead tree in winter, he didn't start thinking about his downfalls. He didn't focus on the theological history of the church. He didn't start thinking about predestination, infant baptism, whether or not to be prolife or prochoice. He didn't take into consideration the most effective ways to communicate his ideas, the most effective practices to evangelize and disciple others. He merely knew that something about that tree had ignited a fire inside of him - a passion for a Creator, a love for someone who first loved him.

That little girl I saw today. She and her mom have undoubtedly had quarrels and spats. Today, though, they didn't take the time to stop and think about those differences. I can almost assure you that the mother didn't stop and think about the most relative way to reach her daughter in our technilogical era. I'm sure the daughter didn't stop and try to figure out why her mother would allow their dog to get hit by that same bus if and when it happened. No, none of that thought occurred. There was one simple reaction. How excited that mother and daughter were to see each other! How much love bubbled up inside of both of them from such an act of running towards each other and embracing!

I can't help but think how many of us are looking at life wrong. Instead of focusing on what I'm supposed to be fasting and the best practices for giving those things up in order to be more like Christ, maybe I should just start focusing on a God that is passionate about His love for me. Maybe I should start remembering how God rescued me from so much that I could never put into words. Maybe, instead of arguing and debating with Him or anyone else, I should just hike up my boots and run to Him, screaming and giggling all the way! Of course no one wants to get swept away with empty emotionalism. No one wants to fall into that trap of having that feel good time with no sense of depth or maturity. Yet, I can't help but thinking that no matter how much that mother loves her child, there will always be a sense of passion and excitement when she sees her. No matter how long that child loves her mother, she'll always be willing to look like a fool in front of the whole world, kick up her shoes, leave everything behind, and just run to her. Maybe I should do the same. Maybe I should just enjoy Him. On this happy fast, I want to find joy. Well, why don't I enJOY God? Why don't you do the same?

Stupid Dog

This morning I was driving to an elementary school for the last time for my 3 week practicum I’ve been doing. I was very glad that it was my last day. It has been somewhat of a stressful situation, although I love the school and feel that I have learned a lot.

Riding to this school, I take country backroads. It’s kind of like going on a wildlife safari every trip there and back. I usually see interesting birds (including turkey and quail), deer, dogs, cows, and so on. One day on the way home, I ran up on a large blue heron in the middle of the road. I slowed down my car, and it lifted its giant wings and began to fly parallel to the road and my car. I road and it flew together for quite some time. I loved it! It is so amazing to watch the neat creatures that our creative God conducted in His mind.
This morning, though, was a little bit of a different experience. On the way there, I had a dog run out in front of me. I braced myself. I thought, I cannot swerve. I will slow down, but I’m not sure if it’s enough for the dog to make it. Well, that dog did make it. He must have put himself in high gear. Well, the episode woke me up, but I didn’t like it. Then, a few minutes later, the same thing happened! A dog ran in front of me. This time, I had plenty of time to slow down, so I did, and the dog went trouncing across the road. I thought to myself, Stupid Dogs. Why would you just run out in front of a moving car when you know it’s going to hurt you?!?

And then, I heard a little chuckle. God was laughing, almost to say, now you know how I feel. Too many times, we “run out in front of cars that we know will hurt us.” How many times have I done something that I know would not produce any good in my life, or that would separate me from the God that loves me and has good plans for me? How many times have I chosen to ignore the sights, the sounds, the signs that God has all around, warning me not to do something? How many times has it left me splattered on the ground, broken? And even worse, how many times have I turned around and blamed God for it? Wasn’t I the stupid one who ran out in the middle of the road with moving traffic?

Sometimes I think I am so smart and have it all together. I look at other animals and sometimes even other people, and I start thinking how stupid some people (and sometimes animals as in this case) are, and I realize that maybe I’m not as smart as I thought I was.

I’m taking this moment to thank God for all the road signs and all the warnings that he puts up for people like me who still tend to go out in the middle of the street. His mercy has saved my life many, many times.