Suffering?

"Dear God, how could they hurt me?" "Dear God, how could they do this to me?" "Dear God, I am so ____(fill in the blank)___!" "Dear God, why won't you ___(fill in the blank)___?"

Ever had those thoughts? Nah, me either. Ha! Yeah right! Maybe the real answer should be, has anyone not had those thoughts? Suffering is a big part of life. Unfortunately, suffering happens: people hurt us, the devil steals things/people away from us, the economy goes bad, oil spills in the Gulf Coast, fingernails break, and someone steals your bike. These things happen! Don't they stink? Gosh, I hate when stuff happens to me. I hate being hurt and vulnerable. Yet, I seem to hold on to the suffering. I might beat myself up. I might stay mad at someone forever (and you haven't seen that until you know me and how long I can hold a grudge - it's ridiculous!).

I read about suffering this morning. It's in a part of scripture that I just can't seem to get away from - James 5:13-20. James 5:13 says, "Is anyone among you suffering, let him pray."

It is such a simple verse. Yet, upon doing a Greek word study of the verse, I saw things in a new light. The word suffering, akin to afflicted, means afflicted. Isn't that surprising? Haha! It actually hints at some sort of enemy or opponent. Then there is the word, pray. What is so interesting about this Greek word is that it is composed of a word just meaning to talk to God and another root word that is directional; and not just directional, but a directional meant for a change.

Why is that so important? What do you do when you are suffering? I usually sit in my pity party or squander in misery in a circle of questions and tears. That's not hte answer, though. The answer is to turn towards God, direct your suffering towards Him, releasing your hold on it, and looking for a change.

That's really small, but it helps me move on to the next part of the verse about being cheerful & singing! God cares for the small things - when you are suffering, talk to Him, give Him your suffering and expect things to change. That's what the verse is there for.

He Knows Me

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you" (Jeremiah 1:5a NKJV).

Have you ever met a celebrity? I'm not talking about a local weather man (although in the town I live in, the local weather man's social standing is equal to that of any celebrity you may see on People Magazine or interviewing on Oprah) or a local small-town athlete. I am talking about a real celebrity. You know, someone whose in multiple movies, who owns a multi-million dollar home, and who gets into and miraculously gets out of scandalous occurrences only enjoyable to the rich and famous! Have you ever met one? No, I haven't either.

The closest I ever got was in Walt Disney World. I saw a man coming out of the Crystal Palace restaurant who looked rather familiar. I soon recognized him to be Brad Garrett. You know, the big kind of dead-pan guy from "Everybody Loves Raymond." Well, to be honest, I was too scared to go talk to him. Now, he isn't like my favorite celebrity or anything. He's just someone that I know has been in movies. My best friend's mom finally decided to speak up, and so we met him and shared a few jokes. So, Brad Garrett met Samantha. Amazing, right? Wrong. At no time after our meeting did he ever go around and say, "Hey, I know Samantha." Yeah, I can say that I met him, but can I say that we know each other? No, I really can't.

I am obviously no celebrity. I have never been in any movie besides the ones made at home, I don't even own a $2 home, and my idea of a scandal is getting caught driving with my knees instead of my hands. I do know Someone who is "kind of a big deal," though. You know the amazing thing. He would say that He knows me, too. Want to be even more amazed? He knew me before we even met? Isn't it funny that although I can meet a semi-celebrity, I wouldn't say that I knew him, yet, God knew and knows me even before we met?

God formed me. Those three words blow my mind. They render me speechless. What makes it even better is that God formed me and knew me. He knew before I was even born all my little quirks and faults and oddities. Yet, He still formed me. That is the basis of all that my life is. I am just a woman who is walking this life out with the realization that God formed me for a purpose and that I get to live that purpose out, knowing Him. I pray that my journey thus far can point you into the place where you know God. Like I said before, "He's kind of a big deal."

Sam

Unspoken

There I stood. I was at an event where hundreds of people were hearing the gospel, maybe for the first time. They had just seen some graphic events as a set up to let them see consequences of bad decisions. They were supposed to write a prayer request down on this post it note and stick it to the cross.

It was such a Christian thing to do. I've seen it done so many times. For some reason, I just thought I would read over these requests. They were so typical.

"Pray for my dad to be closer to us." "Pray for my mom to get a job." "Pray for my friends not to make dumb decisions." "Pray for me to get good grades." "Pray for my parents who are getting a divorce." "Pray for my brother who is in jail."

Why I chose to read over these "requests" was beyond me. And then I crossed over one particular sticky note. Simple handwriting. One word. A word scrabbled on a piece of paper.

Unspoken.

My heart broke. I couldn't hold back the tears. All of a sudden, something hit me. How many requests are there like this one? Unspoken. My brain flashed back to me being a little girl in a small Pentecostal Holiness church. We would tell everyone our prayer requests, but if you had one that you didn't want people to really know about, you would wait until the pastor asked for any "unspoken" requests. Then you would raise your hand, still remain safe, and move on. Why was it such a secret? I never knew.

Standing there in front of that one word, it became bigger and bigger. How many people do I pass every day that have unspoken requests? Are they too ashamed to say what it is? Are they too embarrassed? Or maybe it isn't even that. Maybe it's just that no one has even stopped to take the time for them to speak it out. Our world is hurting. That is so apparent. Our Christian family is hurting. We can't even take care of others because we are so unhealthy ourselves. Yet, we go on, move about our business, and keep going. We don't even stop to find out the "unspoken."

My heart broke that night for so many people who are hurting inside for themselves, for others, for circumstances, whatever. I can't say it I've made any life changes because of it. I do know this. I want to be more open to God's sweet voice telling me to stop, take a minute and listen, and find out what is behind the unspoken.

Sam

Stumble

It's so funny how God talks to us in little moments, especially when those little moments come from little people: children. I had a random encounter with a two year old last night that looked at me and asked me if I would stumble with her. I've not heard many two years old say the word stumble, let alone ask if I wanted to stumble with them. Being the playful auntie that I am, I agreed.

It was this weird almost out of body experience thing that happened as I watched what came next. We both stumbled to the ground. She grabbed my hand, we "helped" each other up, and then she laughed and took off running again.

And then it hit me. So many times, we can feel like a failure. We try our hardest to walk out this life with Christ. We do all the Christian things, say all the right words, and still it isn't good enough. In one area of our life, we find ourselves stumbling. What do we do in that moment?

I personally like to throw an epic pity party. I like to try to convince God and others that I am a loser. Really, it's all very prideful. I want others to say I am good, so I pretend that I feel like I am bad. Sometimes we honestly do feel we aren't good enough.

The thing is, though, God is there all the time. He's there to help us up, and start running again. He's there the whole time. He doesn't cause us to stumble, but when we do stumble, He is right there with us. He knows that if we can just get back up and start running, we can be laughing again.

This truth rang home with me last night. It was one of those moments where I knew there was something more going on than what was actually happening. God was showing me that, even when I stumble, He's right there, waiting to help me up, and start running again.

Amazing..

I Know My Calculus

So, today, I am subbing for a smart people school! Haha! I am subbing for a High School program that meets on a college campus. The kids even take some college courses. Well, they asked me to come and sub for the AP Calculus and AP Statistics class. In other words, they needed a babysitter. And you know how I love to babysit.

I seriously feel like I'm in a different country. The language is fascinating. These kids know exactly what they are talking about, they know the thinking process, and so forth! My mind is blown! On one hand, it reminds me that as Christians we kind of have our world. We have our church friends. We have our "Text Book" (thank God it is written in a much more personal manner). We have our "Christianese." Yet, I wish we knew our world as much as these kids know their Calculus. I've really been looking at that lately. The way these students study for Calculus, is it more than how I study my God? Of course they are going to get a test, but my tests are much more imperative! How will I fair?

On the other hand, I feel like such an outsider. As a Christian, I don't want people to feel like that from me. I want the God of love to speak through my life. He is always relative. He is always the common language. He is always cross-cultural.

I didn't mean to blog about that, though. I was blogging because, like most people, I hate waiting. I have put in an application for the local University, and I am waiting to hear from them. The decision should be made by the end of next week, but I hate waiting. I'm ready to get in and start! Oh, that I would have patience.

Ending with a song from an old spoof boy band. "I Know My Calculus - it says You + Me = US!"

Detour

A Whole New World. I should be singing that song. God has really blown my mind in the past couple of weeks. You see, I graduated from college in December. I planned NOT to teach. I planned to sub until something more appealing came available. Boy, how He messes up our plans. I started teaching at a homeschool co-op organization that meets once a week. I was planning, grading, and doing all the other teacher stuff! I decided that I would do that along with subbing and just keep doing that right on.

Then one night I got a call from the principal of the school I did my internship in with a desperate plea to sub for a teacher who lost her daughter right before Christmas. It was a 3 week job, and I would have to figure out something for the co-op. I prayed about it, and it only felt right.

As I am subbing in this first grade class, I feel overwhelmed. I feel like I am in a whole new world! Surprisingly, though, it is sooo much fun! I can't believe it! Despite the body juices, tying shoes, crying, and holding hands, we are having a good time! I have learned to be firm and gentle at the same time. It is so amazing!

I do not know what lies ahead for me. I am almost scared to make plans if God is just going to change them! I should trust Him, though. He has never led me astray, and I know He never will.

Explain to Me...

I've had this thought in my head for a couple of days. Do I want God's power in my life at the cost of my unholiness?

I've been thinking about the power of God lately. You know, if you read the Bible, God's power is displayed in numerous great events. People were healed of awful diseases, dead people were brought back to life, demons were forced to leave the bodies they made homes from, and so on. God's power left people whole and at peace. What happened? Why did it stop? Why am I not seeing this kind of stuff around me today? I really feel like we don't want God's true power because if His true power enveloped us, we would have to give up our unholiness. I don't know how many of us truly want that.

I struggle with that. Yet, there is this thirst inside of me for something more than this cute little Christian life I'm living. I want Christ's love shared with those around me. I want them to see a difference by the power of God in my life. I don't want to settle for being sick, seeing people's lives ruined by Satan, and so on. I want His name to be magnified through His own works on our earth.

What does that mean today? Why don't we see that today? What are your thoughts? Are you willing to lose your unholiness to gain His power? That's an excellent question.

James 1:17

What are we doing?

I'm Back

Man, I feel like I've been on a very long vacation, and now I'm back.

Today, I had my first day of Intern Orientation.

The air condition went out.

My cooperating teacher is amazing!

I didn't sell my soul to the NAE.

All in all, it was a good day.

Sam

Tenth Avenue North

So, I heard that Tenth Ave was coming to Myrtle Beach. I got us into the concert. Hotel Security shut the concert down before they could play, "By Your Side." Mike D. promised that if you weren't part of the conference (which we weren't), they would play the song for us. As you can see, they did. It was great!

From Jacob To Jesus Part II

“Now Jacob lifted his eyes and looked, and there, Esau was coming, and with him were four hundred men. So he divided the children among Leah, Rachel, and the two maidservants. And he put the maidservants and their children in front, Leah and her children behind, and Rachel and Joseph last. Then he crossed over before them and bowed himself to the ground seven times, until he came near to his brother. But Esau ran to meet him, and embraced him, and fell on his neck and kissed him, and they wept.”
Genesis 33:1-4

Oh, the air is getting hot and dry. It can’t be any drier than your mouth. That rock in your throat doesn’t seem to be going anywhere, either. Today is the big day. Look at those you love cause it’s your last day on this planet. Many years ago, you hurt him. Why are you stuck in this mess? You knew what you did was wrong. Are you really that horrible? You stole your own brother’s very pride and dignity from him for a bowl of soup. He was dumb to take it. Yet, is a drug dealer better than the person buying the drugs? How could you? Well, it’s easy to see now, in hindsight, how stupid that was. And you would think that you would learn from that. But you didn’t. Soon after, you tricked your own father. Didn’t you remember that God had already promised you would be blessed? Didn’t you remember that God always comes through? And yet, that wasn’t good enough. You decided to take matters into your own hands. You played on that old man’s blindness and you stole your brother’s life, yet again. Then you couldn’t even stand up and be a man to him. You ran. What a coward!
And now, that same feeling is coming back. Here comes your brother. You know he’s out to steal your life like you did his. You know he’s out to take back his dignity by killing the very person who ruined his trust in anyone but himself. He’s after you, and you want to run. Something inside, though, tells you not to. Your legs only seem to march forward. You can’t run anymore. That rock in your throat gets harder as you see what looks like your brother from afar. So, you lower yourself, bowing to him. Maybe he’ll get the hint that you are sorry. Maybe he’ll get the hint that you don’t want a fight.
And then, that moment comes. Esau begins to run towards you. What do you do? Do you defend yourself? Do you fight him? Do you just let him kill you in the moment, in front of your wife and your kids? What do you do?
He gets to you and you look in his eyes. There is surprising warmth to them. You don’t remember that being there before. And then…he hugs you. You stand there, shocked. Something wet drips down your neck. He’s crying. That rock in your throat turns into tears, and you can’t hold them back. Without any words, you know what’s happened. He’s forgiven you.

From Jacob To Jesus Part I

So, I've been thinking lately about the area of forgiveness. For anyone who knows me the slightest bit, they know that this area is a large source of my frustration. I'm not so much talking about forgiveness of "big" things, either. If I see someone doing something I don't think they should be doing (even if it isn't wrong or sinful), I hold it against them. And my family knows all too well that I can hold a grudge longer than anyone I know!

I've often had grand conversations about why forgiveness is so hard for me. I know that I have sinned. I know that Jesus has forgiven me. I would not want anyone to hold my past and my sin against me. Mom's often told me to give away what I need the most: forgiveness. I know that unforgiveness doesn't even hurt the person I'm not forgiving: it hurts me! I know all that in my head!

Yet, I still find it hard. Do you know what it all boils down to? Mostly, I want people to pay. I want people to be punished for their actions. Now, I don't want to be punished, mind you, for my own. I would rather blame my actions on someone or something else. However, everyone else should be. Isn't that wrong?!?! I told you I had major anger issues! I can laugh about it right now, but in the heat of the moment, it is no laughing matter.

Yet, during this time of giving up frustration and anger, it has also meant giving up a great deal of holding onto unforgiveness. And I've had these thoughts about different people in the Bible who dealt with the very same thing.

So I say all that to say this. I'm going to be posting some kind of wierd blogs in the next couple of days. It will all tie together at the end. I just wanted to give an intro to the whole concept before someone (and I'm hearing there are someones out there, although I don't know who or how) reads the next blogs and gets totally confused.

Dead Tree in Winter

I have tried very hard in this blog to express something that was birthed in me today. Sometimes my communication skills seem to be inadequate for the thoughts that go on in my head. I pray that this blog entry makes sense and expresses my desire to enjoy God and know that He is passionate about me and you.

In his book, Practicing the Presence of God, Brother Lawrence writes about an experience in his life. He says that one day God spoke to him or revealed something to him through a dead tree in winter. That point completely changed Brother Lawrence's view on everything. From that moment on, he was determined to serve God. He also writes that it changed his spiritual life so much that he was never able to determine whether or not he was growing spiritually. His passionate love for Christ was so great from the beginning that his quest to grow seemed too hard to distinguish.
I read his account. I've even tried to stare at a dead tree in winter. I've asked God to reveal the same thing to me that He showed Brother Lawrence. Still, I am unable to get it.

Today, I was riding home from a very frustrating class. Well, on the way home, I was just thinking about things and listening to the radio. Then it happened. Out of nowhere, I saw something that I knew was more than just one of those run-of-the-mill occurrences. I watched as a bus let a little elementary school girl off at her stop. She carefully crossed the road, making sure to look both ways before she crossed. She was in no hurry. I looked down the road, and I saw a woman (I'm assuming the little girl's mother) walking towards the bus stop with a dog. When those two saw each other- when their eyes met, I saw both of them pick up their pace. They actually opened both arms as wide as they possibly could and ran for each other. When they got to each other, the mother picked up the child, embraced her, swung her around, and had nothing but joy in her face. The two of them then walked down the road, hand in hand, as I drove by. I was brought to tears, and I wasn't sure why.

I couldn't get my mind off of these two points today. I had a lot of incredible things happen to me today. Yet, I couldn't stop thinking about Brother Lawrence, his dead tree in winter, and that mother and little girl. Somehow, I knew that the quiet little whisper inside was trying to say something.

I've been looking at this "Happy Fast" as a time where I really have to focus on giving up frustration and anger. I've been working really hard to think about every decision I make, every choice I make, every action that I am responsible for. But somehow, I couldn't help today wondering if I had it all wrong.

You know, when Brother Lawrence got that great revelation from that simple picture of the dead tree in winter, he didn't start thinking about his downfalls. He didn't focus on the theological history of the church. He didn't start thinking about predestination, infant baptism, whether or not to be prolife or prochoice. He didn't take into consideration the most effective ways to communicate his ideas, the most effective practices to evangelize and disciple others. He merely knew that something about that tree had ignited a fire inside of him - a passion for a Creator, a love for someone who first loved him.

That little girl I saw today. She and her mom have undoubtedly had quarrels and spats. Today, though, they didn't take the time to stop and think about those differences. I can almost assure you that the mother didn't stop and think about the most relative way to reach her daughter in our technilogical era. I'm sure the daughter didn't stop and try to figure out why her mother would allow their dog to get hit by that same bus if and when it happened. No, none of that thought occurred. There was one simple reaction. How excited that mother and daughter were to see each other! How much love bubbled up inside of both of them from such an act of running towards each other and embracing!

I can't help but think how many of us are looking at life wrong. Instead of focusing on what I'm supposed to be fasting and the best practices for giving those things up in order to be more like Christ, maybe I should just start focusing on a God that is passionate about His love for me. Maybe I should start remembering how God rescued me from so much that I could never put into words. Maybe, instead of arguing and debating with Him or anyone else, I should just hike up my boots and run to Him, screaming and giggling all the way! Of course no one wants to get swept away with empty emotionalism. No one wants to fall into that trap of having that feel good time with no sense of depth or maturity. Yet, I can't help but thinking that no matter how much that mother loves her child, there will always be a sense of passion and excitement when she sees her. No matter how long that child loves her mother, she'll always be willing to look like a fool in front of the whole world, kick up her shoes, leave everything behind, and just run to her. Maybe I should do the same. Maybe I should just enjoy Him. On this happy fast, I want to find joy. Well, why don't I enJOY God? Why don't you do the same?

Stupid Dog

This morning I was driving to an elementary school for the last time for my 3 week practicum I’ve been doing. I was very glad that it was my last day. It has been somewhat of a stressful situation, although I love the school and feel that I have learned a lot.

Riding to this school, I take country backroads. It’s kind of like going on a wildlife safari every trip there and back. I usually see interesting birds (including turkey and quail), deer, dogs, cows, and so on. One day on the way home, I ran up on a large blue heron in the middle of the road. I slowed down my car, and it lifted its giant wings and began to fly parallel to the road and my car. I road and it flew together for quite some time. I loved it! It is so amazing to watch the neat creatures that our creative God conducted in His mind.
This morning, though, was a little bit of a different experience. On the way there, I had a dog run out in front of me. I braced myself. I thought, I cannot swerve. I will slow down, but I’m not sure if it’s enough for the dog to make it. Well, that dog did make it. He must have put himself in high gear. Well, the episode woke me up, but I didn’t like it. Then, a few minutes later, the same thing happened! A dog ran in front of me. This time, I had plenty of time to slow down, so I did, and the dog went trouncing across the road. I thought to myself, Stupid Dogs. Why would you just run out in front of a moving car when you know it’s going to hurt you?!?

And then, I heard a little chuckle. God was laughing, almost to say, now you know how I feel. Too many times, we “run out in front of cars that we know will hurt us.” How many times have I done something that I know would not produce any good in my life, or that would separate me from the God that loves me and has good plans for me? How many times have I chosen to ignore the sights, the sounds, the signs that God has all around, warning me not to do something? How many times has it left me splattered on the ground, broken? And even worse, how many times have I turned around and blamed God for it? Wasn’t I the stupid one who ran out in the middle of the road with moving traffic?

Sometimes I think I am so smart and have it all together. I look at other animals and sometimes even other people, and I start thinking how stupid some people (and sometimes animals as in this case) are, and I realize that maybe I’m not as smart as I thought I was.

I’m taking this moment to thank God for all the road signs and all the warnings that he puts up for people like me who still tend to go out in the middle of the street. His mercy has saved my life many, many times.