Anger's a problem because it can make you crash into a ravine. Greatest line of the whole video.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
One Way
I kind of was thinking about a sad story and got a Spiritual point about it. Apparently there is a local island that has been in the news. The only way to get to this island (obviously) is by boat. Well, a boat was taking people over to the island, and hit underwater tree roots. Most of the people on the boat did not have lifejackets and/or did not know how to swim. Unfortunately, these people drowned. In one of my classes today, we were talking about this story, and the obvious answer in hindsight was to make sure people knew how to swim and every boat had to have life jackets. Yet, there is nothing being done about it.
I thought about the fact that there is only one way to heaven. The really obvious answer is for us to share this one way (Jesus) with other people. Yet, for various reasons, we don't. Too many people are crashing and drowning. Yet, there is nothing being done about it. It's time for us to wake up. People need to know that there is one way to heaven. We gotta tell them!
I know that's cheesy and really obvious, but I thought it was a good picture! I am going crazy in school work, so if you think about it, pray for me!
Thanks for all your prayers!
Sam
I thought about the fact that there is only one way to heaven. The really obvious answer is for us to share this one way (Jesus) with other people. Yet, for various reasons, we don't. Too many people are crashing and drowning. Yet, there is nothing being done about it. It's time for us to wake up. People need to know that there is one way to heaven. We gotta tell them!
I know that's cheesy and really obvious, but I thought it was a good picture! I am going crazy in school work, so if you think about it, pray for me!
Thanks for all your prayers!
Sam
Monday, March 23, 2009
This is the Day...
"Give thanks to the Lord for He is good. His love endures forever. He is my strength, and He's my song. His love endures forever. I will proclaim what He has done. His love endures forever. I will enter and give thanks to Him. This holy gate the righteous may enter. I will give You thanks. You answered me. You are my salvation. This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it. This is the day the Lord has made."
~Shane & Shane "Psalm 118"~
It has been quite a few days since I've last blogged, but last week was a busy week, and this weekend was even crazier! I helped put on a birthday bash for my niece who turned 1 and my biological mother who turned 59! If you ever meet the Kites, you'll know just what kind of a weekend that entails!
We took part in a grief camp Saturday morning, and it was amazing! There were only like 6 or 7 kids, but we talked about dealing with the hand that life deals you. It isn't always good. You don't always like it, but you have only 2 real choices: take what you have and do something with it, or quit the game.
This morning set up a great and horrifying option for me. I've said before that part of my issue with anger comes down to being angry with my life, and not be happy with the way things are going. This camp that I took part in set up an option for me. 1) I could quit the game. I could give up on everything that God has done in my life. I can lay down and never get up in the morning. I could never fulfill the great things God has for me. I can let down everyone who loves me dearly. or 2) (the only true option) I can deal with my hand, and just see how God's going to use it. Since giving up is not an option (I could never give up on what God has done in my life...not after what He rescued me from and the great family He has given me), I'm going to have to play with my hand- and have a good attitude about it.
Church sermon was on anger. I cannot say that it spoke to me, though. It was more of a self-help sermon. And since my self got me into this anger mess, I can't expect my self to get me out of it. I need God's help for that. To be honest, the sermon got me angry because I wanted to tell the pastor that he didn't know what he was talking about. That wouldn't have been very Christian, though, would it?
Last night I watched the Joseph movie from the Bible Collection. That movie always makes me cry at the end. And, once again, I was reminded that Joseph got dealt a horrible hand. Yet, he learned to deal with what happened to him, have a great attitude, trust in God, and look where he ended up!
I know there is a lesson to learn from Joseph. I posted the lyrics to the Shane and Shane song because it is my prayer for today and everyday. The Lord's mercy and goodness has been so great in my life that I want to rejoice in Him everyday.
Still on the journey,
Me
~Shane & Shane "Psalm 118"~
It has been quite a few days since I've last blogged, but last week was a busy week, and this weekend was even crazier! I helped put on a birthday bash for my niece who turned 1 and my biological mother who turned 59! If you ever meet the Kites, you'll know just what kind of a weekend that entails!
We took part in a grief camp Saturday morning, and it was amazing! There were only like 6 or 7 kids, but we talked about dealing with the hand that life deals you. It isn't always good. You don't always like it, but you have only 2 real choices: take what you have and do something with it, or quit the game.
This morning set up a great and horrifying option for me. I've said before that part of my issue with anger comes down to being angry with my life, and not be happy with the way things are going. This camp that I took part in set up an option for me. 1) I could quit the game. I could give up on everything that God has done in my life. I can lay down and never get up in the morning. I could never fulfill the great things God has for me. I can let down everyone who loves me dearly. or 2) (the only true option) I can deal with my hand, and just see how God's going to use it. Since giving up is not an option (I could never give up on what God has done in my life...not after what He rescued me from and the great family He has given me), I'm going to have to play with my hand- and have a good attitude about it.
Church sermon was on anger. I cannot say that it spoke to me, though. It was more of a self-help sermon. And since my self got me into this anger mess, I can't expect my self to get me out of it. I need God's help for that. To be honest, the sermon got me angry because I wanted to tell the pastor that he didn't know what he was talking about. That wouldn't have been very Christian, though, would it?
Last night I watched the Joseph movie from the Bible Collection. That movie always makes me cry at the end. And, once again, I was reminded that Joseph got dealt a horrible hand. Yet, he learned to deal with what happened to him, have a great attitude, trust in God, and look where he ended up!
I know there is a lesson to learn from Joseph. I posted the lyrics to the Shane and Shane song because it is my prayer for today and everyday. The Lord's mercy and goodness has been so great in my life that I want to rejoice in Him everyday.
Still on the journey,
Me
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Random: My Interest In Cars
^ 2009 Honda Civic^
^2007 Honda Civic^
^Honda Accord Coupe^
^2009 Kia Amanti^
^2009 Accord Coupe^Get ready for a random blog entry.
I have this wierd interest in cars. I know this is hard to believe with my lovely purple car that I am trying to hold out with until I graduate college, but it is true. It came out of a pretty pathetic reason. In middle school, I thought I could impress the guys by knowing about cars. Well, wierdly enough, I learned how to identify cars, and like to know random facts about them. Actually, it's nothing internal. I only know about how cars look, so don't even ask me to look under the hood. I'm very inept when it comes to that.
I wanted to post some pictures of cars that make me happy: mostly Honda, of course. The first is a 2009 Honda Coupe. I am amazed at how luxurious it looks to be a Honda. I saw one at nightime, and I seriously from the side, thought it was a more luxurious car. You can imagine my surprise to find it to be a Honda. I'm also posting a picture of the 2009 Kia Amanti. I don't particularly like the look of this car, but I am quite surprised at the image it gives of luxury.
I am also posting pictures up of my dream cars. I can't decide between the two, so I'm posting them both. The first is a Honda Accord Coupe. I'm not sure what year, but there is a specific year. I generally don't like Accords, but this one is different. The second and third ones are Honda Civic coupes. One is 2007, and one is 2009. I love me a good Civic. I will make the decision one day to buy one, but it isn't right now. I am easy to please: just give me a Honda.
Enough of that random babbling about cars. Hope you are having a great day in all the lovely weather!
I'm Okay! I'm OoooKay!
Hey, just wanted to give an update.
My friend and I have been going to our highschool's FCA group every other Wednesday for quite some time now. You have to know the story behind that. When we were in highschool (yay for class of 2005), I was president of FCA and she helped out a lot. I am not nor proclaim to be anything close to an athlete. I played defense for a 1st year JV, co-ed soccer team when I was in the 7th grade, I watch hockey, and love watching the Olympics- and that's about it. She, and her 5 foot 2 inch self, claims that she can do marvels with an orange ball, a hoop and net, and some tennis shoes. I have yet to believe her, by the way. However, we both loved (and love) Jesus. We were crazy! FCA only met on Wednesdays, so we also held a morning devotional group. We started meeting together daily in middle school, and wrote letters back and forth that we were going to take our campus for Christ! It was the epitome of new Christian cheese (although I make fun of it, I almost wish that passion people have in their beginnings stays with them always). I went around lunch tables carolling to people at Christmas time. She went around looking at people and saying, "Maranatha! Our Lord is coming!" We were fruits. We made banners for the Golf team from FCA to let those lesser known sports teams know that someone out there cares. We had contests on St. Patrick's day to get people to guess the legend of the shamrock. We put valentine messages from Jesus in the school newsletter, letting people know that Jesus loved them more than they ever knew. We saw FCA go from 4 people to 30 people in one semester. We did skits, we used costumes, we sang songs, and we played games. We dreamed about revival in our school. We just knew that the Spirit of God would fall on our high school so greatly that we wouldn't have classes because people would be too busy praying for repentance (I joke you not...I believe we both had dreams about this). We prayed outside around the flag pole on See You at the Pole event days, National Day of Prayer days, and just whenever we felt like it! We were crazy for Jesus!
Unfortunately, both of us fell away from that. Now, almost four years out of highschool, we have come back to Jesus. Yet, we just knew that our high school was suffering because, after all, who else could do what we could? (HOW CONCEITED!)
Going back to FCA has been a very humbling and exciting experience for both of us. To know that God has been and was moving without you can be humbling. Yet, it is so neat to go back and see a passion for Jesus alive and well in the hearts of many teenagers in that school! It is incredible! I think their passion burns even brighter than ours! It is so neat to watch these teens grow in the Lord and be that burning light to the world that every youth pastor wants to see in his youth group.
This morning, though, was different. I've been before. I've seen them sing their songs. I've seen them do their devotionals. The devotion this morning wasn't a spectacular display of effective communication. It was simple. A young athlete got up and drew a diagram, explaining John 3:16 and how Jesus is the only way to heaven. His country accent was darling! However, afterwards, I stopped and talked to a girl who told me about some things going on in her life: her church is praying nightly for revival in our town, she and different friends have started lunch devotionals at their lunch tables in the different lunch times, etc. I saw something in her, though, that I recognized. There was joy. She had something that I've been looking for- joy.
So, I stopped and could feel myself refocusing. I had done it again. Instead of just enjoying God and rejoicing in Him (re-JOY-cing), I was thinking about myself, my failures, my inadequacies. So, I say all that to say, I feel like I've refocused. Today, I had some errands to do at the mall and preparing for my biological mother's birthday party Saturday. Yet, I felt like I carried a little more happiness with me than before. It's a small step, but I'll take it. When the time comes to deal with issues, I'll deal with them. But for right now, I'm rejoicing that I'm on Spring Break, I know Jesus, and I am alive and well- that should be good enough to be joyful over.
Thanks for all the prayers,
ME!
My friend and I have been going to our highschool's FCA group every other Wednesday for quite some time now. You have to know the story behind that. When we were in highschool (yay for class of 2005), I was president of FCA and she helped out a lot. I am not nor proclaim to be anything close to an athlete. I played defense for a 1st year JV, co-ed soccer team when I was in the 7th grade, I watch hockey, and love watching the Olympics- and that's about it. She, and her 5 foot 2 inch self, claims that she can do marvels with an orange ball, a hoop and net, and some tennis shoes. I have yet to believe her, by the way. However, we both loved (and love) Jesus. We were crazy! FCA only met on Wednesdays, so we also held a morning devotional group. We started meeting together daily in middle school, and wrote letters back and forth that we were going to take our campus for Christ! It was the epitome of new Christian cheese (although I make fun of it, I almost wish that passion people have in their beginnings stays with them always). I went around lunch tables carolling to people at Christmas time. She went around looking at people and saying, "Maranatha! Our Lord is coming!" We were fruits. We made banners for the Golf team from FCA to let those lesser known sports teams know that someone out there cares. We had contests on St. Patrick's day to get people to guess the legend of the shamrock. We put valentine messages from Jesus in the school newsletter, letting people know that Jesus loved them more than they ever knew. We saw FCA go from 4 people to 30 people in one semester. We did skits, we used costumes, we sang songs, and we played games. We dreamed about revival in our school. We just knew that the Spirit of God would fall on our high school so greatly that we wouldn't have classes because people would be too busy praying for repentance (I joke you not...I believe we both had dreams about this). We prayed outside around the flag pole on See You at the Pole event days, National Day of Prayer days, and just whenever we felt like it! We were crazy for Jesus!
Unfortunately, both of us fell away from that. Now, almost four years out of highschool, we have come back to Jesus. Yet, we just knew that our high school was suffering because, after all, who else could do what we could? (HOW CONCEITED!)
Going back to FCA has been a very humbling and exciting experience for both of us. To know that God has been and was moving without you can be humbling. Yet, it is so neat to go back and see a passion for Jesus alive and well in the hearts of many teenagers in that school! It is incredible! I think their passion burns even brighter than ours! It is so neat to watch these teens grow in the Lord and be that burning light to the world that every youth pastor wants to see in his youth group.
This morning, though, was different. I've been before. I've seen them sing their songs. I've seen them do their devotionals. The devotion this morning wasn't a spectacular display of effective communication. It was simple. A young athlete got up and drew a diagram, explaining John 3:16 and how Jesus is the only way to heaven. His country accent was darling! However, afterwards, I stopped and talked to a girl who told me about some things going on in her life: her church is praying nightly for revival in our town, she and different friends have started lunch devotionals at their lunch tables in the different lunch times, etc. I saw something in her, though, that I recognized. There was joy. She had something that I've been looking for- joy.
So, I stopped and could feel myself refocusing. I had done it again. Instead of just enjoying God and rejoicing in Him (re-JOY-cing), I was thinking about myself, my failures, my inadequacies. So, I say all that to say, I feel like I've refocused. Today, I had some errands to do at the mall and preparing for my biological mother's birthday party Saturday. Yet, I felt like I carried a little more happiness with me than before. It's a small step, but I'll take it. When the time comes to deal with issues, I'll deal with them. But for right now, I'm rejoicing that I'm on Spring Break, I know Jesus, and I am alive and well- that should be good enough to be joyful over.
Thanks for all the prayers,
ME!
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Please Pray For Me
I know some people out in the world wide web, so I wanted to ask you something.
Something happened Sunday. I don't really know what it was. I woke up that morning, and it was like everything I had fought so hard to overcome, everything I had grappled with was overtaking me and pulling me down. Things just seemed to escalate until Sunday evening, I was literally laying on my couch, looking through the Bible, tears in my eyes, asking God to please give me some answer to the problem in me. I just felt like if I can't overcome anger, then I couldn't walk out this life with God. And if I couldn't walk with God, there really wasn't a whole lot of point in anything. I was ready to give up on my Happy Fast.
To be honest with anyone who's out there reading, I haven't truly found an answer. As a matter of fact, my church wanted to know if there was anyone in our small group that was dealing with anger that could maybe give a testimony. I was suggested. I turned it down. I felt like such a failure. How could I give anyone a testimony about dealing with anger? In order to have a testimony, I felt like you needed to come through something, and I haven't yet! Part of me thinks that it would almost be better to get up and there and share with people how hard I'm struggling with this thing. A lot of people are struggling with stuff! Not everyone is able to give a testimony about their lives! We're still in the middle of hardships. Maybe it would help someone to know that they weren't the only ones in the world who felt like such a failure. I know yesterday, I did.
Today, I don't feel like as much of a failure as I did yesterday, but to be honest, I am a bit discouraged. I know that I can't quit my happy fast because I know God wants to bring me through this thing. I know that it wouldn't be called a fast if it was easy. I know all these things, but I'm asking anyone out there to pray for me. I definitely need it.
The Bible says that the JOY of the LORD is our STRENGTH. Well, I feel like I don't have any joy to use as strength. I know I'm supposed to draw on the joy of the LORD, but what does that mean in practical, every day application?
If anyone has any great words of wisdom or encouragement, leave me a comment or shoot me an email.
Something happened Sunday. I don't really know what it was. I woke up that morning, and it was like everything I had fought so hard to overcome, everything I had grappled with was overtaking me and pulling me down. Things just seemed to escalate until Sunday evening, I was literally laying on my couch, looking through the Bible, tears in my eyes, asking God to please give me some answer to the problem in me. I just felt like if I can't overcome anger, then I couldn't walk out this life with God. And if I couldn't walk with God, there really wasn't a whole lot of point in anything. I was ready to give up on my Happy Fast.
To be honest with anyone who's out there reading, I haven't truly found an answer. As a matter of fact, my church wanted to know if there was anyone in our small group that was dealing with anger that could maybe give a testimony. I was suggested. I turned it down. I felt like such a failure. How could I give anyone a testimony about dealing with anger? In order to have a testimony, I felt like you needed to come through something, and I haven't yet! Part of me thinks that it would almost be better to get up and there and share with people how hard I'm struggling with this thing. A lot of people are struggling with stuff! Not everyone is able to give a testimony about their lives! We're still in the middle of hardships. Maybe it would help someone to know that they weren't the only ones in the world who felt like such a failure. I know yesterday, I did.
Today, I don't feel like as much of a failure as I did yesterday, but to be honest, I am a bit discouraged. I know that I can't quit my happy fast because I know God wants to bring me through this thing. I know that it wouldn't be called a fast if it was easy. I know all these things, but I'm asking anyone out there to pray for me. I definitely need it.
The Bible says that the JOY of the LORD is our STRENGTH. Well, I feel like I don't have any joy to use as strength. I know I'm supposed to draw on the joy of the LORD, but what does that mean in practical, every day application?
If anyone has any great words of wisdom or encouragement, leave me a comment or shoot me an email.
Monday, March 16, 2009
From Jacob to Jesus Part V (LAST ONE!)
How many times have I heard these same thoughts? I have often felt a connection with such betrayers. Jacob was known as a deceiver. Sometimes I felt like I put even him to shame. Jacob knew what he did was wrong. Jacob hurt his brother. He took life into his own hands instead of trusting that God had things in control. Worst of all, he ran. I’ve been that coward before. I wouldn’t answer phone calls. I wouldn’t talk. I knew how to shut down and shut out. Jacob did, too.
Joseph’s brothers knew how it felt to carry this torture on the inside. They knew what it was like to hold a secret in their hearts for years. They know what it was like to watch someone hurt because of an act they committed. Yet, they knew that person would hurt even more if they only knew the truth about it. I’ve felt those same feelings. I’ve carried secrets in my heart, and I know what it’s like to watch those around you cry in pain. I know what it’s like to watch them grieve. I know the look of hurt eyes. Like David, I know what it’s like to hurt someone for your own selfish pleasures. I’ve been in that same spot. I even know what it’s like for things to get out of control and get caught in the middle of lies that have tied you and tormented you for quite some time. I know how it feels for someone to confront you with what you thought was a secret. I know the questions that go on in your mind. I know the shame that comes with all of these. It’s hard looking at yourself for who you really are. It’s hard to realize how horrible and hard your heart is. It’s hard to get so tired of holding up a front, a mask. It’s harder, though, to give into the weakness of not holding that front up.
For many years, my anger and frustration came from secret lies I had on the inside. I held secrets that I knew if they ever got out, those closest to me would be hurt so terribly. I had these same thoughts. Why would God be merciful to someone like me?
“And when they had come to the place called Calvary, there they crucified Him, and the criminals, one on the right hand and the other on the left. Then Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do.”
Luke 23:33-34
And yet, every time I read this part of the Bible, that rock in my throat turns into tears. I can hear Jesus wrapping His arms around my dirty self. I can feel something wet dripping over my sins. I realize that his blood is washing it away. I look into His eyes and see warmth that I haven’t seen in years. I hear his soothing voice, and those tormenting secrets and that paralyzing shame shut up. Through this beautiful picture of forgiveness, I hear the Lord telling me that He has put away my sin, and that I will not die. Instead, He gives only life.
And after all that, how could I get angry or frustrated with people for stuff as silly as cutting in front of me on the road, saying something that I took as offensive, doing things that I think aren’t right for them? How could I?
Oh God, help me move from knowing what it’s like to be Jacob or Joseph’s brothers or David. Help me be like Jesus. This is my prayer during this time.
Joseph’s brothers knew how it felt to carry this torture on the inside. They knew what it was like to hold a secret in their hearts for years. They know what it was like to watch someone hurt because of an act they committed. Yet, they knew that person would hurt even more if they only knew the truth about it. I’ve felt those same feelings. I’ve carried secrets in my heart, and I know what it’s like to watch those around you cry in pain. I know what it’s like to watch them grieve. I know the look of hurt eyes. Like David, I know what it’s like to hurt someone for your own selfish pleasures. I’ve been in that same spot. I even know what it’s like for things to get out of control and get caught in the middle of lies that have tied you and tormented you for quite some time. I know how it feels for someone to confront you with what you thought was a secret. I know the questions that go on in your mind. I know the shame that comes with all of these. It’s hard looking at yourself for who you really are. It’s hard to realize how horrible and hard your heart is. It’s hard to get so tired of holding up a front, a mask. It’s harder, though, to give into the weakness of not holding that front up.
For many years, my anger and frustration came from secret lies I had on the inside. I held secrets that I knew if they ever got out, those closest to me would be hurt so terribly. I had these same thoughts. Why would God be merciful to someone like me?
“And when they had come to the place called Calvary, there they crucified Him, and the criminals, one on the right hand and the other on the left. Then Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do.”
Luke 23:33-34
And yet, every time I read this part of the Bible, that rock in my throat turns into tears. I can hear Jesus wrapping His arms around my dirty self. I can feel something wet dripping over my sins. I realize that his blood is washing it away. I look into His eyes and see warmth that I haven’t seen in years. I hear his soothing voice, and those tormenting secrets and that paralyzing shame shut up. Through this beautiful picture of forgiveness, I hear the Lord telling me that He has put away my sin, and that I will not die. Instead, He gives only life.
And after all that, how could I get angry or frustrated with people for stuff as silly as cutting in front of me on the road, saying something that I took as offensive, doing things that I think aren’t right for them? How could I?
Oh God, help me move from knowing what it’s like to be Jacob or Joseph’s brothers or David. Help me be like Jesus. This is my prayer during this time.
From Jacob to Jesus Part IV
What can I say? I am caught. My lust took over. I couldn’t think. I know I was wrong. How did I end up here? Why can’t I seem to get this punch in the stomach feeling to go away? Why are Nathan’s eyes burning into me? Why can’t I hold it together? Why can’t I just be truthful? What will people say when they hear what their King has done? What does God have to say about this? Surely, He will punish me. Surely, He will require my life for the life of Uriah. Why would God have mercy on me after what I have done?
“So David said to Nathan, “I have sinned against the Lord,” And Nathan said to David, “The LORD also has put away your sin; you shall not die.”
2 Samuel 12:13
“So David said to Nathan, “I have sinned against the Lord,” And Nathan said to David, “The LORD also has put away your sin; you shall not die.”
2 Samuel 12:13
Saturday, March 14, 2009
From Jacob to Jesus Part III
We used to be so strong together. Our weakest moment was when we threw Joseph in that pit, but we’ve made it this far. The eleven of us have had to ban together. We may as well. We all took something very precious from our family, and we may as well be together now if we are to be punished together. Whoever this man is has great power. Surely he knows this. What he doesn’t know is what we’ve done. None of us are good. Why would he show mercy on any of us?
Oh, if only we had thought twice about our mistakes. If only we had been truthful with Father. If only God would have allowed us to die that moment. The torture in my dreams, in my thoughts since that moment is worse than any death. The hurt I saw in my father’s eyes. The glow that’s left them. How could his own flesh and blood betray him like we did? How could I ever hear him say he loved me again? How could anyone forgive us?
“Then Joseph could not restrain himself before all those who stood by him, and he cried out, “Make everyone go out from me!” So no one stood with him while Joseph made himself known to his brothers. And he wept aloud, and the Egyptians and the house of Pharaoh heard it. Then Joseph said to his brothers, “I am Joseph; does my father still live?” But his brothers could not answer him, for they were dismayed in his presence. And Joseph said to his brothers, “Please come near to me.” So they came near. Then he said: “I am Joseph your brother, whom you sold into Egypt. But now, do not therefore be grieved or angry with yourselves because you sold me here; for God sent me before you to preserve life…Then he fell on his brother Benjamin’s neck and wept, and Benjamin wept on his neck. Moreover he kissed all his brothers and wept over them, and after that his brothers talked with him.”
Genesis 45:1-5; 14-15
Oh, if only we had thought twice about our mistakes. If only we had been truthful with Father. If only God would have allowed us to die that moment. The torture in my dreams, in my thoughts since that moment is worse than any death. The hurt I saw in my father’s eyes. The glow that’s left them. How could his own flesh and blood betray him like we did? How could I ever hear him say he loved me again? How could anyone forgive us?
“Then Joseph could not restrain himself before all those who stood by him, and he cried out, “Make everyone go out from me!” So no one stood with him while Joseph made himself known to his brothers. And he wept aloud, and the Egyptians and the house of Pharaoh heard it. Then Joseph said to his brothers, “I am Joseph; does my father still live?” But his brothers could not answer him, for they were dismayed in his presence. And Joseph said to his brothers, “Please come near to me.” So they came near. Then he said: “I am Joseph your brother, whom you sold into Egypt. But now, do not therefore be grieved or angry with yourselves because you sold me here; for God sent me before you to preserve life…Then he fell on his brother Benjamin’s neck and wept, and Benjamin wept on his neck. Moreover he kissed all his brothers and wept over them, and after that his brothers talked with him.”
Genesis 45:1-5; 14-15
Friday, March 13, 2009
From Jacob To Jesus Part II
“Now Jacob lifted his eyes and looked, and there, Esau was coming, and with him were four hundred men. So he divided the children among Leah, Rachel, and the two maidservants. And he put the maidservants and their children in front, Leah and her children behind, and Rachel and Joseph last. Then he crossed over before them and bowed himself to the ground seven times, until he came near to his brother. But Esau ran to meet him, and embraced him, and fell on his neck and kissed him, and they wept.”
Genesis 33:1-4
Oh, the air is getting hot and dry. It can’t be any drier than your mouth. That rock in your throat doesn’t seem to be going anywhere, either. Today is the big day. Look at those you love cause it’s your last day on this planet. Many years ago, you hurt him. Why are you stuck in this mess? You knew what you did was wrong. Are you really that horrible? You stole your own brother’s very pride and dignity from him for a bowl of soup. He was dumb to take it. Yet, is a drug dealer better than the person buying the drugs? How could you? Well, it’s easy to see now, in hindsight, how stupid that was. And you would think that you would learn from that. But you didn’t. Soon after, you tricked your own father. Didn’t you remember that God had already promised you would be blessed? Didn’t you remember that God always comes through? And yet, that wasn’t good enough. You decided to take matters into your own hands. You played on that old man’s blindness and you stole your brother’s life, yet again. Then you couldn’t even stand up and be a man to him. You ran. What a coward!
And now, that same feeling is coming back. Here comes your brother. You know he’s out to steal your life like you did his. You know he’s out to take back his dignity by killing the very person who ruined his trust in anyone but himself. He’s after you, and you want to run. Something inside, though, tells you not to. Your legs only seem to march forward. You can’t run anymore. That rock in your throat gets harder as you see what looks like your brother from afar. So, you lower yourself, bowing to him. Maybe he’ll get the hint that you are sorry. Maybe he’ll get the hint that you don’t want a fight.
And then, that moment comes. Esau begins to run towards you. What do you do? Do you defend yourself? Do you fight him? Do you just let him kill you in the moment, in front of your wife and your kids? What do you do?
He gets to you and you look in his eyes. There is surprising warmth to them. You don’t remember that being there before. And then…he hugs you. You stand there, shocked. Something wet drips down your neck. He’s crying. That rock in your throat turns into tears, and you can’t hold them back. Without any words, you know what’s happened. He’s forgiven you.
Genesis 33:1-4
Oh, the air is getting hot and dry. It can’t be any drier than your mouth. That rock in your throat doesn’t seem to be going anywhere, either. Today is the big day. Look at those you love cause it’s your last day on this planet. Many years ago, you hurt him. Why are you stuck in this mess? You knew what you did was wrong. Are you really that horrible? You stole your own brother’s very pride and dignity from him for a bowl of soup. He was dumb to take it. Yet, is a drug dealer better than the person buying the drugs? How could you? Well, it’s easy to see now, in hindsight, how stupid that was. And you would think that you would learn from that. But you didn’t. Soon after, you tricked your own father. Didn’t you remember that God had already promised you would be blessed? Didn’t you remember that God always comes through? And yet, that wasn’t good enough. You decided to take matters into your own hands. You played on that old man’s blindness and you stole your brother’s life, yet again. Then you couldn’t even stand up and be a man to him. You ran. What a coward!
And now, that same feeling is coming back. Here comes your brother. You know he’s out to steal your life like you did his. You know he’s out to take back his dignity by killing the very person who ruined his trust in anyone but himself. He’s after you, and you want to run. Something inside, though, tells you not to. Your legs only seem to march forward. You can’t run anymore. That rock in your throat gets harder as you see what looks like your brother from afar. So, you lower yourself, bowing to him. Maybe he’ll get the hint that you are sorry. Maybe he’ll get the hint that you don’t want a fight.
And then, that moment comes. Esau begins to run towards you. What do you do? Do you defend yourself? Do you fight him? Do you just let him kill you in the moment, in front of your wife and your kids? What do you do?
He gets to you and you look in his eyes. There is surprising warmth to them. You don’t remember that being there before. And then…he hugs you. You stand there, shocked. Something wet drips down your neck. He’s crying. That rock in your throat turns into tears, and you can’t hold them back. Without any words, you know what’s happened. He’s forgiven you.
From Jacob To Jesus Part I
So, I've been thinking lately about the area of forgiveness. For anyone who knows me the slightest bit, they know that this area is a large source of my frustration. I'm not so much talking about forgiveness of "big" things, either. If I see someone doing something I don't think they should be doing (even if it isn't wrong or sinful), I hold it against them. And my family knows all too well that I can hold a grudge longer than anyone I know!
I've often had grand conversations about why forgiveness is so hard for me. I know that I have sinned. I know that Jesus has forgiven me. I would not want anyone to hold my past and my sin against me. Mom's often told me to give away what I need the most: forgiveness. I know that unforgiveness doesn't even hurt the person I'm not forgiving: it hurts me! I know all that in my head!
Yet, I still find it hard. Do you know what it all boils down to? Mostly, I want people to pay. I want people to be punished for their actions. Now, I don't want to be punished, mind you, for my own. I would rather blame my actions on someone or something else. However, everyone else should be. Isn't that wrong?!?! I told you I had major anger issues! I can laugh about it right now, but in the heat of the moment, it is no laughing matter.
Yet, during this time of giving up frustration and anger, it has also meant giving up a great deal of holding onto unforgiveness. And I've had these thoughts about different people in the Bible who dealt with the very same thing.
So I say all that to say this. I'm going to be posting some kind of wierd blogs in the next couple of days. It will all tie together at the end. I just wanted to give an intro to the whole concept before someone (and I'm hearing there are someones out there, although I don't know who or how) reads the next blogs and gets totally confused.
I've often had grand conversations about why forgiveness is so hard for me. I know that I have sinned. I know that Jesus has forgiven me. I would not want anyone to hold my past and my sin against me. Mom's often told me to give away what I need the most: forgiveness. I know that unforgiveness doesn't even hurt the person I'm not forgiving: it hurts me! I know all that in my head!
Yet, I still find it hard. Do you know what it all boils down to? Mostly, I want people to pay. I want people to be punished for their actions. Now, I don't want to be punished, mind you, for my own. I would rather blame my actions on someone or something else. However, everyone else should be. Isn't that wrong?!?! I told you I had major anger issues! I can laugh about it right now, but in the heat of the moment, it is no laughing matter.
Yet, during this time of giving up frustration and anger, it has also meant giving up a great deal of holding onto unforgiveness. And I've had these thoughts about different people in the Bible who dealt with the very same thing.
So I say all that to say this. I'm going to be posting some kind of wierd blogs in the next couple of days. It will all tie together at the end. I just wanted to give an intro to the whole concept before someone (and I'm hearing there are someones out there, although I don't know who or how) reads the next blogs and gets totally confused.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Not Much To Say...
Tonight, I don't have much to say. I got quite put out with my best friend tonight over something very stupid. She reminded me that I was on a happy fast, and unfortunately, my first reaction was not "oh, yeah, let me get things straight." I got even more irritated. But isn't that the point of accountability?
I thank God for those who keep me accountable. I led life too long without being accountable to anyone but myself. I got in too much trouble that way. Answering to someone isn't always easy, but it is definitely the best thing.
My bad reaction to the situation was over shortly. I can see that this fast may last much longer than Lent and may, indeed, turn into a lifestyle.
I should be happy....
I thank God for those who keep me accountable. I led life too long without being accountable to anyone but myself. I got in too much trouble that way. Answering to someone isn't always easy, but it is definitely the best thing.
My bad reaction to the situation was over shortly. I can see that this fast may last much longer than Lent and may, indeed, turn into a lifestyle.
I should be happy....
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Dead Tree in Winter
I have tried very hard in this blog to express something that was birthed in me today. Sometimes my communication skills seem to be inadequate for the thoughts that go on in my head. I pray that this blog entry makes sense and expresses my desire to enjoy God and know that He is passionate about me and you.
In his book, Practicing the Presence of God, Brother Lawrence writes about an experience in his life. He says that one day God spoke to him or revealed something to him through a dead tree in winter. That point completely changed Brother Lawrence's view on everything. From that moment on, he was determined to serve God. He also writes that it changed his spiritual life so much that he was never able to determine whether or not he was growing spiritually. His passionate love for Christ was so great from the beginning that his quest to grow seemed too hard to distinguish.
I read his account. I've even tried to stare at a dead tree in winter. I've asked God to reveal the same thing to me that He showed Brother Lawrence. Still, I am unable to get it.
Today, I was riding home from a very frustrating class. Well, on the way home, I was just thinking about things and listening to the radio. Then it happened. Out of nowhere, I saw something that I knew was more than just one of those run-of-the-mill occurrences. I watched as a bus let a little elementary school girl off at her stop. She carefully crossed the road, making sure to look both ways before she crossed. She was in no hurry. I looked down the road, and I saw a woman (I'm assuming the little girl's mother) walking towards the bus stop with a dog. When those two saw each other- when their eyes met, I saw both of them pick up their pace. They actually opened both arms as wide as they possibly could and ran for each other. When they got to each other, the mother picked up the child, embraced her, swung her around, and had nothing but joy in her face. The two of them then walked down the road, hand in hand, as I drove by. I was brought to tears, and I wasn't sure why.
I couldn't get my mind off of these two points today. I had a lot of incredible things happen to me today. Yet, I couldn't stop thinking about Brother Lawrence, his dead tree in winter, and that mother and little girl. Somehow, I knew that the quiet little whisper inside was trying to say something.
I've been looking at this "Happy Fast" as a time where I really have to focus on giving up frustration and anger. I've been working really hard to think about every decision I make, every choice I make, every action that I am responsible for. But somehow, I couldn't help today wondering if I had it all wrong.
You know, when Brother Lawrence got that great revelation from that simple picture of the dead tree in winter, he didn't start thinking about his downfalls. He didn't focus on the theological history of the church. He didn't start thinking about predestination, infant baptism, whether or not to be prolife or prochoice. He didn't take into consideration the most effective ways to communicate his ideas, the most effective practices to evangelize and disciple others. He merely knew that something about that tree had ignited a fire inside of him - a passion for a Creator, a love for someone who first loved him.
That little girl I saw today. She and her mom have undoubtedly had quarrels and spats. Today, though, they didn't take the time to stop and think about those differences. I can almost assure you that the mother didn't stop and think about the most relative way to reach her daughter in our technilogical era. I'm sure the daughter didn't stop and try to figure out why her mother would allow their dog to get hit by that same bus if and when it happened. No, none of that thought occurred. There was one simple reaction. How excited that mother and daughter were to see each other! How much love bubbled up inside of both of them from such an act of running towards each other and embracing!
I can't help but think how many of us are looking at life wrong. Instead of focusing on what I'm supposed to be fasting and the best practices for giving those things up in order to be more like Christ, maybe I should just start focusing on a God that is passionate about His love for me. Maybe I should start remembering how God rescued me from so much that I could never put into words. Maybe, instead of arguing and debating with Him or anyone else, I should just hike up my boots and run to Him, screaming and giggling all the way! Of course no one wants to get swept away with empty emotionalism. No one wants to fall into that trap of having that feel good time with no sense of depth or maturity. Yet, I can't help but thinking that no matter how much that mother loves her child, there will always be a sense of passion and excitement when she sees her. No matter how long that child loves her mother, she'll always be willing to look like a fool in front of the whole world, kick up her shoes, leave everything behind, and just run to her. Maybe I should do the same. Maybe I should just enjoy Him. On this happy fast, I want to find joy. Well, why don't I enJOY God? Why don't you do the same?
In his book, Practicing the Presence of God, Brother Lawrence writes about an experience in his life. He says that one day God spoke to him or revealed something to him through a dead tree in winter. That point completely changed Brother Lawrence's view on everything. From that moment on, he was determined to serve God. He also writes that it changed his spiritual life so much that he was never able to determine whether or not he was growing spiritually. His passionate love for Christ was so great from the beginning that his quest to grow seemed too hard to distinguish.
I read his account. I've even tried to stare at a dead tree in winter. I've asked God to reveal the same thing to me that He showed Brother Lawrence. Still, I am unable to get it.
Today, I was riding home from a very frustrating class. Well, on the way home, I was just thinking about things and listening to the radio. Then it happened. Out of nowhere, I saw something that I knew was more than just one of those run-of-the-mill occurrences. I watched as a bus let a little elementary school girl off at her stop. She carefully crossed the road, making sure to look both ways before she crossed. She was in no hurry. I looked down the road, and I saw a woman (I'm assuming the little girl's mother) walking towards the bus stop with a dog. When those two saw each other- when their eyes met, I saw both of them pick up their pace. They actually opened both arms as wide as they possibly could and ran for each other. When they got to each other, the mother picked up the child, embraced her, swung her around, and had nothing but joy in her face. The two of them then walked down the road, hand in hand, as I drove by. I was brought to tears, and I wasn't sure why.
I couldn't get my mind off of these two points today. I had a lot of incredible things happen to me today. Yet, I couldn't stop thinking about Brother Lawrence, his dead tree in winter, and that mother and little girl. Somehow, I knew that the quiet little whisper inside was trying to say something.
I've been looking at this "Happy Fast" as a time where I really have to focus on giving up frustration and anger. I've been working really hard to think about every decision I make, every choice I make, every action that I am responsible for. But somehow, I couldn't help today wondering if I had it all wrong.
You know, when Brother Lawrence got that great revelation from that simple picture of the dead tree in winter, he didn't start thinking about his downfalls. He didn't focus on the theological history of the church. He didn't start thinking about predestination, infant baptism, whether or not to be prolife or prochoice. He didn't take into consideration the most effective ways to communicate his ideas, the most effective practices to evangelize and disciple others. He merely knew that something about that tree had ignited a fire inside of him - a passion for a Creator, a love for someone who first loved him.
That little girl I saw today. She and her mom have undoubtedly had quarrels and spats. Today, though, they didn't take the time to stop and think about those differences. I can almost assure you that the mother didn't stop and think about the most relative way to reach her daughter in our technilogical era. I'm sure the daughter didn't stop and try to figure out why her mother would allow their dog to get hit by that same bus if and when it happened. No, none of that thought occurred. There was one simple reaction. How excited that mother and daughter were to see each other! How much love bubbled up inside of both of them from such an act of running towards each other and embracing!
I can't help but think how many of us are looking at life wrong. Instead of focusing on what I'm supposed to be fasting and the best practices for giving those things up in order to be more like Christ, maybe I should just start focusing on a God that is passionate about His love for me. Maybe I should start remembering how God rescued me from so much that I could never put into words. Maybe, instead of arguing and debating with Him or anyone else, I should just hike up my boots and run to Him, screaming and giggling all the way! Of course no one wants to get swept away with empty emotionalism. No one wants to fall into that trap of having that feel good time with no sense of depth or maturity. Yet, I can't help but thinking that no matter how much that mother loves her child, there will always be a sense of passion and excitement when she sees her. No matter how long that child loves her mother, she'll always be willing to look like a fool in front of the whole world, kick up her shoes, leave everything behind, and just run to her. Maybe I should do the same. Maybe I should just enjoy Him. On this happy fast, I want to find joy. Well, why don't I enJOY God? Why don't you do the same?
Monday, March 9, 2009
"Happy" by Matthew West
Three o'clock
Tripping down the sidewalk
Looking like a fool with a pocket full of questions
I was living in the worry
Moving in a hurry In the wrong direction
But then Suddenly it hit me
Doesn't really matter 'cause I got you with me
I think I don't have to be so Down, down, down, down, down
I should be happy
I should be happy
I should be living up these days
Just like I know who runs this place
Now that you found me
I should be happy
Three thirty Got a little dirty
Fear stuck its foot out and I tripped on the same lie
That voice screaming into my head
Pushing me to play dead
Saying "don't you even try"
But how can I claim to be free
When I carry more chains than the world when they see me?
I don't wanna be the fool who stays Down, down, down, down down
I should be happy
I should be happy
I should be living up these days
Just like I know who runs this place
Now that you found me
I should be happy
Now I'm not talking 'bout a smile so fake
While the world takes pictures 24/7
I just want my faith to be a little more real
What you see is what you get
What you see is how I feel
I should be happy
I should be happy
I should be living up these days
Just like I know who runs this place
Now that you found me
I should be happy
Indeed...
Tripping down the sidewalk
Looking like a fool with a pocket full of questions
I was living in the worry
Moving in a hurry In the wrong direction
But then Suddenly it hit me
Doesn't really matter 'cause I got you with me
I think I don't have to be so Down, down, down, down, down
I should be happy
I should be happy
I should be living up these days
Just like I know who runs this place
Now that you found me
I should be happy
Three thirty Got a little dirty
Fear stuck its foot out and I tripped on the same lie
That voice screaming into my head
Pushing me to play dead
Saying "don't you even try"
But how can I claim to be free
When I carry more chains than the world when they see me?
I don't wanna be the fool who stays Down, down, down, down down
I should be happy
I should be happy
I should be living up these days
Just like I know who runs this place
Now that you found me
I should be happy
Now I'm not talking 'bout a smile so fake
While the world takes pictures 24/7
I just want my faith to be a little more real
What you see is what you get
What you see is how I feel
I should be happy
I should be happy
I should be living up these days
Just like I know who runs this place
Now that you found me
I should be happy
Indeed...
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Failure and Strength
So, I think I made some progress today, and still failed in some ways. This morning people kind of frustrated me at church. There were just a couple of things. For instance, people were trying to change a clock, so they had a ladder in front of the door from the foyer to the sanctuary. Well, I needed to get out of the sanctuary. There was someone on the other side of the door who wouldn't let me out!
I got so frustrated. The bad thing, though, was that I think the person on the other side of the door knew it. Unfortunately, we've had run ins before over making copies between services.
Hmm..what do I do when I get frustrated with people? I'm reading In His Steps right now, and I have to think that when I get frustrated with people, I don't react the way Christ would. Funny thing, this was sort of what the sermon was on this morning.
I guess today, I knew it was my hardest test of this fast, and if I had to grade myself, I'd probably give myself a D. Not good enough for a perfectionist.
So the thing is, you can't just take away an action. You have to replace it with another action. I've had over 21 years of experience being rude and very outspoken and opinionated. Now, how do I, instead of acting that way, react to people when I get annoyed with them?
This is something I need to pray about because honestly, I don't have the answers. I'm open for suggestions.
I in some ways feel like a failure today on my fast, but in another way, I feel like I've hit a corner in my frustration life. I'm seeking a solution, and that's a big deal.
In my weakness, Christ is strong. And, in the words of Tenth Avenue North, I need Your strength to be this weak. Oh God, help me be weak.
Thanks for all the prayers, guys.
I got so frustrated. The bad thing, though, was that I think the person on the other side of the door knew it. Unfortunately, we've had run ins before over making copies between services.
Hmm..what do I do when I get frustrated with people? I'm reading In His Steps right now, and I have to think that when I get frustrated with people, I don't react the way Christ would. Funny thing, this was sort of what the sermon was on this morning.
I guess today, I knew it was my hardest test of this fast, and if I had to grade myself, I'd probably give myself a D. Not good enough for a perfectionist.
So the thing is, you can't just take away an action. You have to replace it with another action. I've had over 21 years of experience being rude and very outspoken and opinionated. Now, how do I, instead of acting that way, react to people when I get annoyed with them?
This is something I need to pray about because honestly, I don't have the answers. I'm open for suggestions.
I in some ways feel like a failure today on my fast, but in another way, I feel like I've hit a corner in my frustration life. I'm seeking a solution, and that's a big deal.
In my weakness, Christ is strong. And, in the words of Tenth Avenue North, I need Your strength to be this weak. Oh God, help me be weak.
Thanks for all the prayers, guys.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
I'm On a Journey
Well, tonight (or more like this morning since because of Daylight Saving’s Time it is really 1:45 am), I face probably one of the largest struggles of my fast. This is in the area of church. Aah, that subject which everyone likes to talk about but no one wants to fix. Instead, we always just decide to split up into a different group and start another church that begins the cycle again. The state of the local church today is indeed a sad one, but I would rather not trash her in such a public domain. She does have her downfalls, but Christ loves the local church. This I must remember.
Let me say this, first and foremost, I know that I’m in the church that God wants me in right now. There is no doubt about that. My church may have its idiosyncrasies, but what church doesn’t? Yet, here’s where my frustration lies. The church isn’t my idea of what a church should be. Yet, there isn’t any body of followers that I know of that is anywhere near my idea of what a church should be. The closest ones that I’ve thought about are in Charleston, SC and Simi Valley, CA. Big distance issues there. Yet, I know that God would not leave me in a place without a local body to call my own, and He hasn’t. He’s got me in a place right now where every Sunday morning I sit back and press the spacebar on the computer so the congregation can sing to the songs that are sung in a key that only the skilled opera singer can match. Then I go to a different building and help with the middle school group, a group I have long protested and at which I have sneered. I believe God finds some kind of sick humor in all this (haha!).
I could pick out many faults with this church, as well as the rest here where I live. I’m really good at picking out faults- in people, in organizations, in ideas, etc. I’m not so good at coming up with the solutions, though. With this situation, I fear the solution. The solution to my problem is where my frustration lies. I do not want to settle here. I do not want to take off my gloves, get down, and get dirty here. It doesn’t really have anything to do with the church in and of itself. It has to do with this ideal life I picture myself having- this calling that I believe God has put inside of me. If I know that in life God doesn’t want me to be working with middle school students or pushing the space bar every Sunday morning of my life, then why am I doing it now? This is where my frustration point reaches its max.
David was anointed to be the next King of Israel when he was somewhat a younger guy. However, for a long time, he was still just a shepherd. Then, he was running for his life, being betrayed by people, etc. One day, he did eventually become a King, but there was a journey that he traveled to get there. This journey was supposed to help him build some character, some experience, some knowledge that he needed to help run a Kingdom. This is the thing that I need to remember. I’m on a journey, and even if that journey has me sitting in that sound booth pressing a button for the rest of my life, the might of God and the love of Christ is big enough to fulfill the call that God has put in my heart. I just need to relax on the journey and have my knowledge base, my experience, and my character build. So, the moral of the story is, tomorrow when I go in tomorrow morning, I need to see this place as where God wants me to be tomorrow morning, not as just a church. I’m in God’s will, I need to rest in that, and I need to trust that He knows what He is doing.
Tonight has been a fun night. I had dinner with my two best friends, and we talked about my past and the things God delivered me from, even in the past year. Maybe one day, I’ll blog about the deception and selfishness I found myself in a little over a year ago. Tonight, though, I’m just thanking God that He got me out of it and put me on a journey to bring me closer to Him.
Oh, by the way, I heard that 2 more people are joining in on an endeavor much like mine. If anyone's out there who can attest or has any comments, please feel free to express opinions, thoughts, ideas, etc.
Let me say this, first and foremost, I know that I’m in the church that God wants me in right now. There is no doubt about that. My church may have its idiosyncrasies, but what church doesn’t? Yet, here’s where my frustration lies. The church isn’t my idea of what a church should be. Yet, there isn’t any body of followers that I know of that is anywhere near my idea of what a church should be. The closest ones that I’ve thought about are in Charleston, SC and Simi Valley, CA. Big distance issues there. Yet, I know that God would not leave me in a place without a local body to call my own, and He hasn’t. He’s got me in a place right now where every Sunday morning I sit back and press the spacebar on the computer so the congregation can sing to the songs that are sung in a key that only the skilled opera singer can match. Then I go to a different building and help with the middle school group, a group I have long protested and at which I have sneered. I believe God finds some kind of sick humor in all this (haha!).
I could pick out many faults with this church, as well as the rest here where I live. I’m really good at picking out faults- in people, in organizations, in ideas, etc. I’m not so good at coming up with the solutions, though. With this situation, I fear the solution. The solution to my problem is where my frustration lies. I do not want to settle here. I do not want to take off my gloves, get down, and get dirty here. It doesn’t really have anything to do with the church in and of itself. It has to do with this ideal life I picture myself having- this calling that I believe God has put inside of me. If I know that in life God doesn’t want me to be working with middle school students or pushing the space bar every Sunday morning of my life, then why am I doing it now? This is where my frustration point reaches its max.
David was anointed to be the next King of Israel when he was somewhat a younger guy. However, for a long time, he was still just a shepherd. Then, he was running for his life, being betrayed by people, etc. One day, he did eventually become a King, but there was a journey that he traveled to get there. This journey was supposed to help him build some character, some experience, some knowledge that he needed to help run a Kingdom. This is the thing that I need to remember. I’m on a journey, and even if that journey has me sitting in that sound booth pressing a button for the rest of my life, the might of God and the love of Christ is big enough to fulfill the call that God has put in my heart. I just need to relax on the journey and have my knowledge base, my experience, and my character build. So, the moral of the story is, tomorrow when I go in tomorrow morning, I need to see this place as where God wants me to be tomorrow morning, not as just a church. I’m in God’s will, I need to rest in that, and I need to trust that He knows what He is doing.
Tonight has been a fun night. I had dinner with my two best friends, and we talked about my past and the things God delivered me from, even in the past year. Maybe one day, I’ll blog about the deception and selfishness I found myself in a little over a year ago. Tonight, though, I’m just thanking God that He got me out of it and put me on a journey to bring me closer to Him.
Oh, by the way, I heard that 2 more people are joining in on an endeavor much like mine. If anyone's out there who can attest or has any comments, please feel free to express opinions, thoughts, ideas, etc.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Stupid Dog
This morning I was driving to an elementary school for the last time for my 3 week practicum I’ve been doing. I was very glad that it was my last day. It has been somewhat of a stressful situation, although I love the school and feel that I have learned a lot.
Riding to this school, I take country backroads. It’s kind of like going on a wildlife safari every trip there and back. I usually see interesting birds (including turkey and quail), deer, dogs, cows, and so on. One day on the way home, I ran up on a large blue heron in the middle of the road. I slowed down my car, and it lifted its giant wings and began to fly parallel to the road and my car. I road and it flew together for quite some time. I loved it! It is so amazing to watch the neat creatures that our creative God conducted in His mind.
This morning, though, was a little bit of a different experience. On the way there, I had a dog run out in front of me. I braced myself. I thought, I cannot swerve. I will slow down, but I’m not sure if it’s enough for the dog to make it. Well, that dog did make it. He must have put himself in high gear. Well, the episode woke me up, but I didn’t like it. Then, a few minutes later, the same thing happened! A dog ran in front of me. This time, I had plenty of time to slow down, so I did, and the dog went trouncing across the road. I thought to myself, Stupid Dogs. Why would you just run out in front of a moving car when you know it’s going to hurt you?!?
And then, I heard a little chuckle. God was laughing, almost to say, now you know how I feel. Too many times, we “run out in front of cars that we know will hurt us.” How many times have I done something that I know would not produce any good in my life, or that would separate me from the God that loves me and has good plans for me? How many times have I chosen to ignore the sights, the sounds, the signs that God has all around, warning me not to do something? How many times has it left me splattered on the ground, broken? And even worse, how many times have I turned around and blamed God for it? Wasn’t I the stupid one who ran out in the middle of the road with moving traffic?
Sometimes I think I am so smart and have it all together. I look at other animals and sometimes even other people, and I start thinking how stupid some people (and sometimes animals as in this case) are, and I realize that maybe I’m not as smart as I thought I was.
I’m taking this moment to thank God for all the road signs and all the warnings that he puts up for people like me who still tend to go out in the middle of the street. His mercy has saved my life many, many times.
Riding to this school, I take country backroads. It’s kind of like going on a wildlife safari every trip there and back. I usually see interesting birds (including turkey and quail), deer, dogs, cows, and so on. One day on the way home, I ran up on a large blue heron in the middle of the road. I slowed down my car, and it lifted its giant wings and began to fly parallel to the road and my car. I road and it flew together for quite some time. I loved it! It is so amazing to watch the neat creatures that our creative God conducted in His mind.
This morning, though, was a little bit of a different experience. On the way there, I had a dog run out in front of me. I braced myself. I thought, I cannot swerve. I will slow down, but I’m not sure if it’s enough for the dog to make it. Well, that dog did make it. He must have put himself in high gear. Well, the episode woke me up, but I didn’t like it. Then, a few minutes later, the same thing happened! A dog ran in front of me. This time, I had plenty of time to slow down, so I did, and the dog went trouncing across the road. I thought to myself, Stupid Dogs. Why would you just run out in front of a moving car when you know it’s going to hurt you?!?
And then, I heard a little chuckle. God was laughing, almost to say, now you know how I feel. Too many times, we “run out in front of cars that we know will hurt us.” How many times have I done something that I know would not produce any good in my life, or that would separate me from the God that loves me and has good plans for me? How many times have I chosen to ignore the sights, the sounds, the signs that God has all around, warning me not to do something? How many times has it left me splattered on the ground, broken? And even worse, how many times have I turned around and blamed God for it? Wasn’t I the stupid one who ran out in the middle of the road with moving traffic?
Sometimes I think I am so smart and have it all together. I look at other animals and sometimes even other people, and I start thinking how stupid some people (and sometimes animals as in this case) are, and I realize that maybe I’m not as smart as I thought I was.
I’m taking this moment to thank God for all the road signs and all the warnings that he puts up for people like me who still tend to go out in the middle of the street. His mercy has saved my life many, many times.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Day 2: I Need God's Grace
Well, it's Day 2, and things have gone pretty well, so far. I'm ending my 3 week practicum tomorrow. I'm pretty excited about that. I've learned an incredible amount of information, but I will be so glad for it to be over.
Today, I saw a girl from highschool. She is in the throws of life, and I looked at her today, and thought, "I may not exactly be happy with life as it is right at this moment, but I wouldn't want to live yours." That may come off as judgmental, but I don't mean it that way. I shouldn't be happy living someone else's life. God has a unique life for each one of us. Mine just isn't the same as hers. This is a big step for me, I think. Being able to see other's lives and still be happy with the path that God has for me is a large step. That's something I'm praying for. I want to find the joy of just being in a relationship with Jesus Christ, no matter what road life takes me on. Whether I'm sinking in school work at Coastal or one day changing children's diapers, I want to be able to stop and step back in order to find the joy that God has installed in each little moment.
Tonight I had a challenge. I have this serious passion for having professional things done right. Funny me, I expect professional businesses to conduct themselves professionally, especially when it comes to customer service (the basis of the very existance of business). The only problem is that sometimes my serious passion can flip over into anger real quick. There was an instance tonight, where I had to end my phone conversation. Tomorrow will be a better day to deal with the situation. And then I decided that I should first pray about it, give God time to work it out, and then try my luck again tomorrow. That's a serious challenge for me.
I don't like the way anger physically feels. I think I've read somewhere that when you get angry, your body really does send out something throughout your body. I don't like it. That's a good step, too. Sometimes, those of us who are angry will feel a sense of power and control at that moment. For me not to like that feeling is a step.
It is so funny how God can change a heart so fast. The fact that He put this desire in me to go through with this; I don't know if anyone knows just what a big deal that is.
Oh, I need God's grace. Isn't it wonderful?
Today, I saw a girl from highschool. She is in the throws of life, and I looked at her today, and thought, "I may not exactly be happy with life as it is right at this moment, but I wouldn't want to live yours." That may come off as judgmental, but I don't mean it that way. I shouldn't be happy living someone else's life. God has a unique life for each one of us. Mine just isn't the same as hers. This is a big step for me, I think. Being able to see other's lives and still be happy with the path that God has for me is a large step. That's something I'm praying for. I want to find the joy of just being in a relationship with Jesus Christ, no matter what road life takes me on. Whether I'm sinking in school work at Coastal or one day changing children's diapers, I want to be able to stop and step back in order to find the joy that God has installed in each little moment.
Tonight I had a challenge. I have this serious passion for having professional things done right. Funny me, I expect professional businesses to conduct themselves professionally, especially when it comes to customer service (the basis of the very existance of business). The only problem is that sometimes my serious passion can flip over into anger real quick. There was an instance tonight, where I had to end my phone conversation. Tomorrow will be a better day to deal with the situation. And then I decided that I should first pray about it, give God time to work it out, and then try my luck again tomorrow. That's a serious challenge for me.
I don't like the way anger physically feels. I think I've read somewhere that when you get angry, your body really does send out something throughout your body. I don't like it. That's a good step, too. Sometimes, those of us who are angry will feel a sense of power and control at that moment. For me not to like that feeling is a step.
It is so funny how God can change a heart so fast. The fact that He put this desire in me to go through with this; I don't know if anyone knows just what a big deal that is.
Oh, I need God's grace. Isn't it wonderful?
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Day 1: Taking Recess and A Challenge
My sister and I have a digital clock in our room that displays messages in red letters. Besides the fact that it is really a neat clock, I love it that right now it is displaying "HAPPY? HAPPY!" I can honestly answer that at this moment, I am happy.
Of course, I'm only on Day 1, so everything is peachy keen. There were a couple of instances today where I had to choose to be happy. You have no idea how big of a deal that is. First of all, I went to bed at 1:30 am and woke up at 5:45 am. That's only 4 hours of sleep! What am I thinking? Do I spazz? Do I become miserable? If I wasn't focusing on having joy I might. I decided, though, that God would give me grace to work through the tiredness, and I even got the chance to take an hour nap after I came home from class.
Then, there was dealing with snotty fifth graders who are not interested in school at all. Once being a fifth grader myself, I can relate to that. However, there is no reason for being disrespectful. Did I get angry? No, I was firm (one student is spending recess with me tomorrow..haha), but I am not angry.
Then there is a challenge. I have a professor who has decided that on top of all the stuff that I have to do in my mini-internship at an elementary school, we need to teach a demo English lesson and have a test! It was crazy! I studied in my car right before class. Amazingly, though, the lesson went well and the test seemed easy!
I am looking back at today and realizing that everything worked out. I am happy, but everything worked out today. I think the true test will come when everything doesn't work out.
Something to think about...
My mom and I were talking about why I refused to live life without anger, frustration, and sadness. Instead of dealing with things, I would just get angry. She was telling me that she thinks (and I agree) that it boils down to being afraid to settle with life the way it is. Life isn't great right now, but it isn't great for a lot of people! Yet, the irony is, Jesus Christ has joy for us to take part in even though life is rotten! I've got to learn to rest in that joy. That is the challenge of this fast. That is the point.
So, how do you stay content when things don't work out and when you are in a place that you don't like? That's my question. I'm trusting that God will provide the answer.
Of course, I'm only on Day 1, so everything is peachy keen. There were a couple of instances today where I had to choose to be happy. You have no idea how big of a deal that is. First of all, I went to bed at 1:30 am and woke up at 5:45 am. That's only 4 hours of sleep! What am I thinking? Do I spazz? Do I become miserable? If I wasn't focusing on having joy I might. I decided, though, that God would give me grace to work through the tiredness, and I even got the chance to take an hour nap after I came home from class.
Then, there was dealing with snotty fifth graders who are not interested in school at all. Once being a fifth grader myself, I can relate to that. However, there is no reason for being disrespectful. Did I get angry? No, I was firm (one student is spending recess with me tomorrow..haha), but I am not angry.
Then there is a challenge. I have a professor who has decided that on top of all the stuff that I have to do in my mini-internship at an elementary school, we need to teach a demo English lesson and have a test! It was crazy! I studied in my car right before class. Amazingly, though, the lesson went well and the test seemed easy!
I am looking back at today and realizing that everything worked out. I am happy, but everything worked out today. I think the true test will come when everything doesn't work out.
Something to think about...
My mom and I were talking about why I refused to live life without anger, frustration, and sadness. Instead of dealing with things, I would just get angry. She was telling me that she thinks (and I agree) that it boils down to being afraid to settle with life the way it is. Life isn't great right now, but it isn't great for a lot of people! Yet, the irony is, Jesus Christ has joy for us to take part in even though life is rotten! I've got to learn to rest in that joy. That is the challenge of this fast. That is the point.
So, how do you stay content when things don't work out and when you are in a place that you don't like? That's my question. I'm trusting that God will provide the answer.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
The Happy Fast
This past year my brother turned 31. For his birthday celebration, he wanted to play a few rounds of laser tag. The family and a couple of his friends went to the local arcade place and did just that. Afterwards, we all went back to his house to have cake and take part in other typical birthday celebratory activities (singing, presents, and giving him cards that he throws away the moment everyone walks out the door). During our visit, he pulled out the game Imagine If to play around with the cards. It started out as a joke, but we all got into the game. If you don’t know the game, you basically make comparisons between a person in the room and an object out of a set of objects on the card. Well, my brother chose me, and here was my turn.
“If Samantha were a water craft, what would she be?”
· Dingy
· Submarine
· Destroyer
· Speed Boat
I was hoping to hear some deep insights on what the people who know me the best knew about me. I was quite taken aback when almost unanimously, the majority cried out, “Destroyer!” I laughed about it, knowing that there was truth in their thoughts, but hoping that somehow they were wrong.
Here’s the thing, though. They were right. I realized that night that I was a destroyer. I am one of the most negative people you will ever find. I am also one of the angriest people you will ever meet. I bottle things up worse than any person I know. I can also be very curt, mean, and nasty with you. I can hold grudges longer than anyone I know. I know exactly how to aim my missiles and shoot right in the spot where the person I’m aiming for will be hit the hardest. Knowing yourself sometimes means looking at truth, and I’ve had to do that in the past year. I am really getting to know myself (and every day I see even more the grace of God for having me where He does). Some days that is a good thing. Most days I end up depressed, frustrated, and discouraged that I will never be the person God wants me to be.
However, my mom and sister recently joked about the Lent season. I had made a comment about giving something up for Lent (a little late, but still a possibility). My sister and mom made the suggestion that for thirty days, I choose to give up anger and pledge to be happy. I laughed, shrugged it off, and got angry about them even suggesting that. Today, though, I couldn’t help but roll around the idea over and over again.
I heard the little whisper. Sometimes when God talks to you, you just wish He said something besides what He’s saying. I heard Him speak to me.
“Why not?”
So, here I am. I’m giving up anger and frustration and sadness until Easter. I’m calling it my Happy Fast. It sounds like I’m giving up happiness from the sound of the title of my own fast, but it’s actually a play on words. I’ve asked all of my family and friends to keep me accountable. Whenever I get out of line, say something mean, be rude or inconsiderate, or get angry, my family and friends can look at me and say, “You better get happy, fast.”
So, today births the Happy Fast. This will be one of the hardest times in my life I believe. I have never dealt with life without getting angry. I have never looked at the cup as halfway full. I know now that I will have many opportunities to put my pledge to action. To be honest with you, I can’t do it. I’m trusting, though, that there is a God in Heaven who has sufficient grace to get me through something that I believe He has called me to do for this moment.
I hope through this journey to keep updates on my Happy Fast. I hope that something I write can inspire or encourage anyone who’s out there looking for life to be a little less miserable and looking to get happy, fast.
Samantha
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